Chapter 32

Julie closed her eyes as she rested her head against the cool glass of the car window. It was the first week of November and the air had a sudden chill that hadn't been there a week ago. While light jackets had been suitable for going outdoors previously, it did little now to brush away the chill in the air. Julie shivered slightly, though not from the cool air, but from something deep within her.

She opened her eyes for a moment and glanced up toward the front of the car where Walker was driving and Diana was speaking quietly with him from the front passenger's seat. Walker glanced at his wife and laughed at whatever she had said. Julie closed her eyes again. She didn't know what they were talking about, and she most definitely didn't care if it involved laughing. As far as she could see, there was no reason to laugh about anything.

Julie generally considered Saturday to be a lazy day; however, this Saturday had been anyway but lazy. She had been up since early morning before everyone else. She had treated herself to a piece of toast and a glass of milk and then started her laundry. Once it was started, she settled herself in front of the computer in the den to work on her English paper that was due on Wednesday of the coming week. She had a good portion of it squared away before Diana and Walker made their way downstairs with Zoe in tow.

The littlest Hanson had yawned and rubbed her eyes as she curled up in the wingback chair in the corner across from the computer desk. Diana had checked to make sure it was okay with Julie if Zoe stayed there, and after Julie consented, Diana made her way to the kitchen where Walker had already started to brew a pot of coffee.

Not long after the coffee was brewed and Diana had started on breakfast for the whole family, the others began to slowly make their way downstairs. Zac and Jessica were the last ones to pass by the den. Jessica popped in to see what Julie was up to before heading off to see if breakfast was ready while Zac lingered at the doorway.

"Are you nervous about today?" he asked quietly as he stepped through the doorway and perched himself on the edge of the desk.

"A little," Julie replied honestly.

Zac nodded absently but didn't reply. Since Halloween, the two of them had resorted to acting as if nothing out of the ordinary had occurred, but though they kept up a good front in front of everyone else, there was a new sense of awareness and awkwardness between the two of them.

"Well, I'm sure it won't be so bad," Zac finally said. "And I'd go with you if I didn't have to work."

"Don't worry about it," Julie smiled. "Your mom and dad will be there. And you're right, I'm sure it won't be that bad."

Before either of them could say anything else, Diana yelled for them to come and eat. Julie stood and Zac went over to the chair to scoop up Zoe, who had drifted back to sleep, and they silently made their way into the kitchen to join the rest of the family.

After breakfast Zac hurried off to work and Avery wordlessly made her way back upstairs to her room. Jessica later informed Julie that she had went back to bed while Mackenzie and Zoe planted themselves on the couch and spent the whole morning in front of the television watching Saturday morning cartoons.

Julie had offered to help Diana with the dishes from breakfast, but she had immediately been shooed away and decided to go and take a shower and get cleaned up for the day. After a quick shower, she returned to the den and finished her paper just as Walker came to see if the computer was free.

After tucking her paper away in a folder, she returned it to her room and went down to the back porch to sit with Jessica, who was sipping on a cup of hot cocoa and reading a magazine.

"It's a bit chilly to be out here reading, don't you think?" Julie asked, wrapping her arms around herself to keep warm.

"Maybe," Jessica shrugged. "I kind of like the chill though. It's ... refreshing," she smiled.

Julie looked at her uncertainly. "Well, I guess if you're used to it, it's not so bad."

"But if you're used to warm California weather, then it's probably just cold," Jessica finished.

"Yeah," Julie nodded, smiling softly. "So, are you looking forward to babysitting this morning?"

Jessica glanced at Julie and rolled her eyes. "Yeah, right," she answered.

"But I bet you're looking forward to this evening though, right?" Julie grinned.

Jessica couldn't hide the sudden blush on her cheeks and bit her bottom lip as she smiled at Julie. "I can't believe he actually asked me out on a date," Jessica confessed. "I didn't think that Ashley was actually right about what she said at the dance ..."

"Well, it looks like she knew what she was talking about after all," Julie smiled. They of course were talking about Neil asking Jessica out on a date. The news had been quite the controversy around the Hanson household. Zac had been in a surly mood, though most of assumed it had to do with his sister and best friend planning to go out on a date, Julie had her suspicions their kiss might have had something to do with it as well.

Diana and Walker had simply seemed surprised to learn of Neil's interest in their eldest daughter, but after laying down some ground rules, they agreed that it was okay for her to go out on her first date. Jessica had been excited about it the whole week, and her good mood had helped a great deal in keeping Julie's spirits up.

At the beginning of the week, Diana had informed Julie that she had set up a Saturday morning meeting with the adoption agency. Though Julie knew that she would have to go to this meeting at some point, she had kept pushing it toward the back of her mind. She knew she had many decisions to make and probably should have done so earlier in the pregnancy, but while she knew adoption was her best option and was fairly confident in her decision, she was uncertain of all of the other decisions she would have to make thereafter.

Shortly after her talk with Jessica, Julie reentered the house as Diana was coming to see if she was ready to go. After some instructions for Jessica, Diana, Walker, and Julie set out for their meeting. The ride there was carried in silence, as was their wait in the reception area of the adoption agency.

The meeting was awkward at best. Julie felt thoroughly uncomfortable as she filled out various forms and answered many questions - most of which she had to think over. When it came time to discuss the type of adoption she wanted, Julie had been at a complete loss. Her conversation with Abbie had left her feeling confused about whether she wanted an open or closed adoption. Finally Diana, sensing Julie's uncertainty, asked if they could come back this line of questioning later after Julie had some time to think things over some more.

After the forms were filled out and most of the questions were answered, there was talk of setting up some meetings with potential adoptive parents. Julie had merely nodded her head at the suggestion and found herself staring at the Picasso-esque painting behind the agent's desk.

Once the meeting was finally over, they left the building in silence. And Julie now found herself resting her head against the window, wishing the day was over. However, she was pulled out of her stupor when Diana turned in her seat and said, "Jules, we're going to stop by KFC and pick up some lunch to take home."

"Oh, okay," Julie said softly as they pulled into the parking lot. Walker unfastened his seatbelt and climbed out of the car while Diana made no move to go with him.

"Are you okay, sweetheart?" Diana asked.

"Yeah," Julie sighed. "Just tired."

"I know that was a lot of stuff to go through," Diana commented. "And I'm sure it was hard for you."

"Yeah," Julie whispered, looking down at her hands.

"It will be okay, Julie," Diana said, reaching around to pat her hand reassuringly before she turned around in her seat.

Upon arriving at home, everyone gathered in the dining room to eat lunch. Jessica spoke amicably to her mother and Julie about what she planned to wear out on her date while Mackenzie and Zoe tried to convince their father that they needed a dog. Julie tried to stay focused on Jessica, and as far as she could tell she had done a good job of appearing interested. Though she was feeling far from cheerful, she didn't want to put a damper on what should be one of the happiest moments of Jessica's life.

As they were finishing lunch, Diana received a phone call and disappeared into the den, and Walker gathered up all of the trash while Mackenzie and Zoe continued to pester him about getting a dog. Avery, the ever-quiet Hanson, quickly excused herself from the room as Julie and Jessica went into the living room.

"Do you think you can fix my hair for me tonight?" Jessica asked, breaking Julie out of her thoughts.

"Oh, sure," Julie shrugged as she sat down on the couch. Jessica grabbed the remote control and switched on the television. She scrunched up her nose as she glanced at the time box on the corner of the screen.

"Why is this day going to slow?" she whined.

"Beats me," Julie shrugged as Diana entered the living room.

"Who was on the phone?" Jessica asked.

"Brenda, Samantha's mom," Diana replied as she placed the cordless phone back on the charger.

"What did she want?"

"Oh, she and Steve made plans to go out, but the sitter canceled at the last minute, so she asked me if I could watch Brady for her," Diana explained.

"Why can't Sam watch him?" Jessica asked.

"She went to spend the weekend with her aunt in the city," Diana replied.

"Oh, that's right," Jessica nodded. "Are they going to bring Brady over here?"

"Yes, around seven," Diana said.

"Oh, shoot, I'll be gone already," Jessica frowned. "I've only got to see him a couple of times since he was born."

"Well, he might still be here when you get home," Diana replied. "You have to be back by ten, remember?"

"I know, I know," Jessica sighed.

Julie and Jessica finally decided to watch Dude, Where's My Car to pass some time. Jessica had commented that she had watched the movie about a million times because Zac, Neil, and Ashley seemed to watch it in excess. However, as stupid as she and Julie thought that movie was, it was worth a few laughs, and that was something that Julie knew she needed.

Once the movie was over, Jessica went upstairs to take a quick shower before she got dressed and called Julie in to fix her hair. Jessica continued with her mindless banter as Julie quietly fixed her hair. Finally upon realizing Julie's quietness, Jessica turned to her and sighed, "Jules, are you okay?" she asked, frowning.

"I'm fine," Julie replied.

"Are you sure? You've been quiet all day," Jessica commented.

"I'm just tired," Julie replied. "Don't worry about it."

Jessica continued to frown and Julie placed her hands on Jessica's shoulders and looked her straight in the eye - something Jessica often did to her when she wanted her to listen. "Jessica Grace, I'm fine," she said, slowly. "I'm just tired. Don't worry about it. This is your big night, your first date, so we're not going to mope or worry about anything else, okay?" she said, smiling.

Finally a smile broke out across Jessica's face and she nodded reluctantly.

"So, where's Neil taking you?" Julie asked.

"Not sure," Jessica shrugged.

"Are you nervous?" Julie asked curiously.

"Maybe a little. I mean, I've known Neil most of my life. He, Ash, and Zac were attached at the hip all through elementary and middle school - and I suppose they still are to some extent, so it's not like I don't know Neil. It's just that I've never really hung out with him alone before," Jessica explained.

"I can see how that would be kind of weird," Julie nodded.

"I just ... I want him to like me," Jessica sighed.

"Jess, he wouldn't have asked you out if he didn't like you already," Julie pointed out.

Jessica smiled softly. "I just worry though ..."

"About what?" Julie asked.

"Well, he asked you out first ... and you turned him down, so what if I'm just his ... second choice," Jessica said quietly.

"Oh, Jess," Julie said, wrapping her arms around her in a hug. "I'm sure that's not the case. Besides, I think Neil is a great guy, but I don't like him like that, and I think since he and I have become friends, he's realized that we're not compatible in that way."

"That or he realized that Zac has his eyes on you," Jessica smirked.

"Shush," Julie smiled. "Let's finish your hair."

As Julie was finishing, Diana came into the room. "Oh, Jess, you look beautiful, sweetheart," Diana smiled.

Jessica blushed and looked away. "Mo-om," she said.

"Well, you do. Doesn't she, Julie?" Diana asked.

"Yes, she does," Julie smiled, nodding her head in agreement.

"Did you come up here just to harass me?" Jessica asked, glaring playfully at her mother.

"No, actually, I came up here to ask Julie to do me a favor," Diana answered, smirking as she turned to Julie. "Avery wants to stay the night with her friend Bethany. Do you think you can give her a ride over? Walker already left for his Saturday night poker game, and I'm not sure I'd make it back before Brenda brings over Brady."

"Sure, no problem," Julie smiled. "How soon is she wanting to leave?"

"As soon as you're ready," Diana replied.

"Okay, tell her I'll be down in a minute," Julie smiled.

"Okay, thank you, sweetheart," Diana said before she turned to go.

Julie sighed, "I guess I should get my shoes and get ready to take Avie."

"Okay," Jessica nodded.

"Well, if I'm not back before you leave, have fun - safe, non-sexual fun," Julie said, giving Jessica quick hug.

"God, you sound like my mother," Jessica laughed.

Julie rubbed her belly and glanced down at it before looking back at Jessica with a sad smile. "I think this little kicker can be held responsible for that," Julie commented. "Anyway, have fun," she said before she made her way down the hallway to her room to put on some shoes.

When she got downstairs, Avery was waiting for her by the door. "You ready to go?" Julie asked as she dug her car keys out of her purse.

"Yeah, thanks for taking me over," Avery smiled.

"It's no problem," Julie smiled as they made their way out to Julie's car.

From there Avery explained to Julie how to get to her friend's house. As Julie drove, she and Avery sang along quietly with the radio. Julie snuck a glimpse at Diana and Walker's middle daughter and realized that she knew very little about Avery.

"So, are you always this quiet?" Julie finally asked.

"Well, in a family of nine, I guess one of us has to be," she shrugged.

Julie smiled softly. "And you decided that you'd be the one?"

"I guess so," she replied.

"Well, there's nothing wrong with being quiet," Julie said. "People always said that I was quiet."

"Mom always says that it's the quiet ones you have to worry about," Avery commented.

"Well, I guess that's true. Look at me," Julie said, chuckling lightly.

"Is it weird?" Avery asked.

"What?" Julie asked uncertainly.

"Being pregnant - and knowing that you won't be bringing the baby home with you," Avery clarified.

"Oh ... yeah," Julie nodded. "It is weird ... and hard. I know I never expected anything like this to happen to me."

"But you're strong though," Avery said before pointing out the window. "There's Bethany's house."

"Okay," Julie smiled. She pulled up in front of the house Avery had pointed out and put the car in park.

"Well, thank you for the ride," Avery said as she pushed her door open.

"You're welcome," Julie replied. "It was nice hearing you talk for once."

Avery merely smiled as she climbed out of the car. She grabbed her bag from the floor of the car and shut the door. She hurried up the sidewalk to the front porch and rung the doorbell before she turned and waved at Julie.

Once Julie saw her safely into the house, she put the car into drive and headed back home. It was funny how she had come to think of the Hanson household as her home. If anyone had asked her a little over six months ago if she would feel at home in Tulsa, she knew without a doubt that she would have said no, but looking back on it, it seemed that the old phrase 'home is where the heart is' rang true to her. She felt loved and accepted with the Hansons and her new friends, and she knew that she would miss them dearly when it was time for her to return to California with her parents.

When Julie reached home, she spotted Neil's car in the driveway. She smirked to herself as she got out of the car and started up the walkway. As she reached the doorway, it swung open and Jessica stepped out, followed by Neil.

"Hey!" Jessica smiled. "Did you get Avery dropped off?"

"Yep," Julie nodded. "Hey Neil."

"Hello, Jules," he grinned.

"Where you are you taking my surrogate sister tonight?" Julie inquired.

"Well, I thought we'd start with a nice dinner," Neil grinned. "Followed by the choice of a movie or miniature golf."

"I see," Julie smiled. "Well, if it's a movie, make sure you keep it PG."

Jessica rolled her eyes and blushed. "Julie!"

"What? I'm just trying to get things straight," Julie shrugged.

"Don't worry - Zac has already had this discussion with me. I will be a perfect gentlemen," Neil replied.

"You better be. I know where you live."

"No, you don't," Neil laughed.

"Okay, maybe I don't, but I can find out, and I'll kick you ass if I hear that you've been misbehaving," Julie smirked.

"Oh yeah? What are you going to do to me?" Neil laughed.

"Well, I could sit on you," Julie pointed.

"Okay, enough - let's go," Jessica laughed, grabbing Neil's hand and pulling him toward his car. Julie shook her head with a laugh as she headed into the house. She went upstairs to her room and kicked off her shoes and placed her purse on her desk before she changed into some warm pajamas.

As she was changing, she heard the doorbell ring and figured that it was Brenda bringing over Brady. She could hear Diana cooing, which confirmed her assumption. She waited upstairs for a few minutes until she heard Diana bid Brady's mother goodbye and heard the front door close. She then slid on her slippers and headed downstairs.

She stepped into the living room and found Diana seated on the recliner holding the baby. "Oh, Julie! I didn't realize you were home," she smiled. "Come look at Brady."

Julie stepped over and looked at the small redheaded child wrapped up in a warm blue blanket. His eyes were closed, and he was sucking his thumb as he slept. Julie couldn't help but smile as she looked at him. He was simply adorable.

"How old is he?" Julie asked curiously.

"Three and a half months, I believe," Diana replied thoughtfully just as they heard Zoe scream from the kitchen.

"Mom!" she bellowed. She was yelling so loud Julie was sure that it was going to wake the baby, but Brady slept on.

"Oh, for Heaven's sake!" she sighed. "Julie, can you hold Brady while I go see what Zoe is doing?"

Before Julie could even really answer, she found herself seated in the recliner where Diana had been with Brady sleeping in her arms. She didn't have time to protest because Diana had fled the room before Julie even knew what was happening.

She frowned as she held the baby in her arms. She tried to remember the last time she had even held a baby. It had definitely been too long. She knew it had to have been Isabel's baby sister, Emberlynn, but she was well over a year old now. It slightly perturbed Julie to know that she had missed out on a big chunk of Ember's life. She missed Isabel greatly. She had been her best friend since the first day of school, and she had practically grown up with Isabel and her younger siblings. Ember had only been a few months old when Julie had left. She wondered if Ember would even know her now.

Suddenly Brady's eyes popped open and he looked up at her for merely a second before he began to cry. "Oh, no, Brady. Don't cry," Julie whispered, rocking him gently. However, her words did little to console him because he began to cry even harder.

Julie felt a sudden wave of panic wash over her. She didn't know what to do. She didn't want to be holding him - especially not now, not today. It had already been hard enough to go to the adoption agency. Was this some kind of sick joke? What was Diana playing at? She knew she was already emotionally drained. Why would she place this tiny baby in her arms and run off to the other room and leave Julie to fend for herself?

Julie tried to keep herself calm as she rocked Brady back and forth. She tried to remember what Isabel told her she did when Emberlynn began cry. It was something like holding the baby up on her shoulder and making a quiet shushing noise. Julie shifted Brady up onto her shoulder and tried it. At first Brady continued to cry, but then slowly his cries began to die down.

Julie let out a sigh of relief when Brady finally quieted, and she looked down and saw that Brady had fallen back asleep. She closed her own eyes and tried to regain her composure. When she heard footsteps coming down the hall, she opened her eyes and watched as Diana entered the room.

"I'm sorry, Julie," she sighed. "Mackenzie knocked Zoe off one of the barstools. She twisted her ankle. From the way things sounded, you'd think someone was trying to kill her," she said as she carefully took Brady out of Julie's hands.

Julie stood up and let Diana sit back down on her seat. She wanted to say something to Diana. Yell at her, ask her why she would do something like that to her. Couldn't she see how much it hurt? But her eyes rested on Brady's sleeping form and felt a tug at her heart. She couldn't explain it, but as Brady moved his little hand until his thumb was in his mouth once again, Julie felt like everything around her was going to crumble. She fought back tears as she told Diana that she thought she was going to turn in for the night and hurried upstairs to her room, where she finally burst into a fit of tears.

She spent the rest of the evening curled up on her bed just thinking things over. Every time her thoughts turned to the decision regarding the baby, she felt like falling apart all over again. She knew that adoption was what was best for the baby. He would have a family who could take care of him and love him and give him everything he needed. She couldn't give him all that - not alone, and as far as she could see, her parents weren't going to be around enough to be much help. They would probably still be workaholics when they returned home, which meant that Julie would have another year at home, fending for herself before she went off to college.

It seemed odd that just months ago she had been worrying about college. She had always been studious and wanted to get things done early. College was no different. She had already started thinking about where she wanted to go and considering which teachers she would ask to write her a letter of recommendation. She had been looking forward to living on campus and enjoying college life. Now all of that seemed so silly. Obviously she could still do that all, but she wasn't even sure if she wanted to. How could she just go back to school and act as if everything was normal while her baby - her son - was out there somewhere being raised by someone else?

Deep down she knew she was just feeling emotional about the whole thing, and it was giving her second thoughts about her decision. She just hated feeling so helpless and uncertain. In the past she had always been confident about herself and her decisions. She had always thought that she was a smart girl and would make something of herself. But now looking at herself, she didn't think she was anything special. She was just another dumb, pregnant teenager. Another statistic.

On top of all of the issues with the baby, Julie couldn't help but feel just as confused about her relationship with Zac. She felt a lot of guilt and confusion regarding the events of Halloween. She knew she cared about Zac, and she thought that maybe he felt the same way. And she couldn't deny that kissing him had been like pure heaven, but she couldn't understand what had happened.

One minute they were kissing and the next he was running out the door. Her only guess was that it had freaked him out and scared him off when the baby kicked. Of course she couldn't really blame him for feeling spooked about that. She was certain that he had never been involved with a pregnant girl before. However, she wished that he wouldn't have left so abruptly, but instead had stayed and talked about it. She knew that things had changed between them. They had said on many occasion that they were just friends, but Julie knew better now. She had deeper feelings for him. Feelings she had never experienced before.

She had once thought that she was in love with Hadrian, but she had quickly discovered that she had simply mistaken love with lust. While she was physically attracted to Hadrian, there had been very little else that she had felt for him. They had never really talked in depth about much of anything. Most of their conversations where forced and came out sounding strained. She had never really felt completely at ease with him. It was as if she was holding back a piece of herself because she was afraid to let him really see her and know her.

However with Zac, he had seen her at some of her lowest points. He knew that she was clearly flawed, but still he stood by her side. He told she was beautiful no matter what. He made her feel like no other guy had. He made her feel loved, and not in the way one is loved by a family member. She knew her parents and the rest of the Hansons loved her. But with Zac it was different. She wasn't even sure if she could explain it. Something about him just made her feel like it was okay to be who she was regardless of all of her imperfections.

And being held by him and kissing him had made her feel something she had never felt before. Though she knew it had been driven mostly by lust, she had wanted to be with him. She wanted him to make love to her, but when he left her lying there in her bed, she felt cold, dirty, confused, and consumed with guilt.

After all, she had wound up pregnant by getting caught up in the moment and letting things happen way too quickly. She had almost done the same with Zac. However, she couldn't say whether it would have been a mistake if she had and Zac had made love. But the guilt was overwhelming. How could she just throw caution to the wind as she had and forget herself and get caught so completely up in the moment that she quit thinking about the repercussions of what she was doing?

Though things had come to an abrupt stop, it seemed as if the damage was already done. Her relationship with Zac was now uncertain and awkward. She hadn't felt awkward with Zac since when she had first arrived in Tulsa, and to go back to that way of living seemed almost traumatizing. It didn't help that neither of them broached the subject; therefore leaving the issue unresolved, which in turn left them feeling awkward and uncertain around one another.

Suddenly Julie heard a knock at her door, drawing her out of her ether of thoughts. She feared that it might be Diana coming to check up on her, but she couldn't see much point in trying to act as if she were asleep since she clearly wasn't, so instead she sat up and said, "Come in."

However, it wasn't Diana who entered the room. It was Jessica. Julie glanced at the clock and realized that it was already going on ten. Had she been sitting up there thinking for two and a half hours? It had only felt like a few minutes had passed since she had dashed upstairs to the confines of her bedroom.

"Hey," Jessica said, smiling softly as she entered the room, shutting the door behind her.

"Hey," Julie replied, forcing a smile. "How did it go?"

"It was great," Jessica smiled. "We went out for dinner and then miniature golf. It was fun."

"That's good to hear," Julie said.

"Yeah, and we had plenty to talk to about," Jessica said as she sat down at the foot of Julie's bed. "He's so sweet. He kissed me goodnight and said he wanted to go out again."

"I'm so happy for you," Julie said with a true smile. No matter how confused she felt about her current situation, she couldn't help but feel happy for Jessica.

"How are you doing?" Jessica asked. "Mom said you hurried up to your room. She said she thought you were upset."

Julie shrugged but didn't speak. Instead she picked at her comforter.

"Julie, tell me what's wrong, please?" Jessica whispered.

Julie glanced up at Jessica, who wore a look of concern. She knew that Jessica just wanted to help, but could she really unload all of this onto her? She knew that Jessica wouldn't mind, but she just didn't know if she could share all of her thoughts - especially those regarding Zac. Would that be too awkward for the both of them?

Finally, Julie opened her mouth and threw her worries to the side as she began to speak. "Your mom had me hold Brady while she went to check on Zoe and Mack ... and I ... it just freaked me out. He started crying, and I didn't know what to do, but I got him to sleep ... but it was so hard. I just ... I wanted to cry. It ... hurt to hold him," she explained as tears formed in her eyes.

Jessica frowned as Julie lifted her head and looked at her. "I'm so confused. Today was terrible," she whispered.

"With the adoption agency?"

"Yeah, she was asking all of these questions, and I didn't know how to answer half of them," Julie replied. "Like ... I don't know if I want an open or closed adoption. What does that say about me? I don't know if I want to see my baby or not? What kind of person am I?"

"Julie, it doesn't make you a bad person because of that," Jessica said. "That's a huge decision. I can totally understand your uncertainties."

"Really?"

"Really," Jessica nodded. "Nobody expects you to just make decisions at the drop of a hat," she said. "I'd be worried if it wasn't hard for you. It just shows that you care."

"Everything is just so messed up though," Julie sighed. "I mean, the baby, the adoption ... things with Zac ..."

"Wait, what's going on with Zac?" Jessica frowned.

Julie didn't answer at first. Instead she shook her head and stared down at her hands.

"Are you two fighting? Did he do something? Say something?" Jessica asked quickly.

"No, no, it's nothing like that ..." Julie replied. "It's just ... something ... happened ... well almost happened on Halloween ... and things have just be ... weird ... ever since."

"What? What almost happened?" Jessica asked, looking confused.

"Oh god, I can't talk to you about this ... it's too weird," Julie said.

At this Jessica's eyes grew wide. "You mean you two almost ..." she didn't finish her sentence because the words just seemed too awkward to say. Even thinking about her brother having sex - in theory or otherwise - was just too strange to consider.

"Yeah, almost," Julie finally answered.

"So ... what happened?" she asked reluctantly. She wasn't sure if she wanted to hear any details, but it was clear to her that Julie needed to talk.

"Well ... we were about to ... and the baby kicked," Julie explained. "And Zac - he just - he freaked, I guess. And he said he was sorry and he couldn't and before I could even say anything he ran out of the room. And that's it ... we haven't talked about it at all. It's like ...it never happened, but things have just been so awkward between us."

Jessica frowned. "Did you want to? Or are you glad that you didn't?"

"I don't know," Julie answered honestly. "I mean, I care about Zac - a lot. It's just ... I don't know ..."

"Do you, ya know ... love him?" Jessica asked.

Julie was quiet a moment. She knew the answer, but she wasn't sure if she was ready to say it out loud. She felt Jessica watching her and she knew she couldn't lie to her, so instead she lifted her head and nodded. "Yeah, I do," she answered.

Jessica smiled softly. "I think he loves you too," she said.

"So what am I supposed to do? I hate that things are like this between us," Julie said. "I can't stand just acting like nothing happened. I mean, it's so weird. But how do I even bring it up? I mean, 'oh by the way - how do you feel about what happened on Halloween?'"

Jessica bit back a laugh. "Jules, I wish I knew what to say. Obviously, it's not something easy to talk about, but you and Zac need to face it. I know you guys have feelings for each other. Everyone can see it, so now the two of you need to see it and figure out things."

"I know you're right," Julie said. "I wish you weren't. I wish that things weren't so complicated. I mean, if only I had been here a year earlier and met Zac earlier. Things would be so different."

"But you didn't. And besides, who's to say you two would have become so close if you weren't pregnant?"

"I guess that's true too," Julie agreed.

"I'm sure things will work out," Jessica said.

"I'm sure you're right," Julie nodded. "Thank you for listening to my insane ramblings."

"Hey, they're not insane," Jessica smiled. "Besides, you know I'm always here for you," she added.

"I know, and I'm really grateful for that," Julie said before she gave Jessica a hug.

Zac sighed as he climbed out of this truck and headed into Chubby's, the local club where most of the kids from school hung out after school and on the weekends. Zac had always found the name amusing, as it reminded him of the show Boy Meets World. Every time he went there he thought of Topanga. He had had the biggest crush on her for the longest time. His brothers had taunted him for it for the longest time, and eventually, the word spread to Neil and Ashley who joined in on the taunting. However, the attention transferred from him over to Ashley when her crush on Eric, Cory's older brother, was discovered. That was probably the first time Zac and Neil took notice of the fact that Ashley was in fact a girl and moving away from her tomboyish ways.

He paid the bouncer before walking inside and shrugging off his coat. He scanned the room for Neil or Ashley. He wasn't even sure if Neil would be there. He had his date with Jessica, after all. That was something he was still feeling a little uneasy about him. Despite their talk at the Halloween dance, it was still something Zac hadn't become completely comfortable with. It seemed like too much change all at once, but if Neil was at the club, then that would mean that he wasn't out parking somewhere with his sister, which would ease his mind greatly.

Ashley had invited him to come and hang out with her, Michael, and possibly Neil, but he had told her that he wasn't sure if he'd be able to or not, as he had to work most of the day. However, after he clocked out, he felt compelled to go and hang out with his friends. He wasn't quite ready to return home.

Deep down he knew he should probably go home and check and see how Julie was doing. He knew that she was feeling uneasy about the meeting with the adoption agency, but things were awkward between them, he wasn't sure if she would even want to talk to him about things.

Finally he spotted Ashley seated on a couch in the corner, watching Neil and Michael play a game of pool. He was relieved to see Neil there. He said hi to the guys and asked Neil about his date with Jessica to, which Neil had replied that things had gone well, before he sat down beside Ashley.

"Hey, I didn't think you were coming," she smiled as she turned to sit sideways on the couch so that she could face him.

Zac shrugged. "I needed to unwind before going home," he replied.

"Something wrong at the homestead?" she inquired.

He shrugged. "Not sure," he answered honestly.

"Okay ..." Ashley said, raising an eyebrow. "Want to elaborate on that?"

"Not sure about that either," he replied.

"Well, I love it when you're completely elusive," she commented sarcastically.

"Sorry," Zac sighed.

"What's going on with you, Zac? You've been acting weird for the past week," Ashley said.

Zac sighed again and rubbed his temples. He wasn't sure if he really wanted to get into right then, but as Ashley watched him, she knew that she wasn't going to let it go until she got some answers.

"Something happened with Julie, and I guess ... I've just been kind of confused and freaked out ever since," he answered.

"And what exactly happened?" Ashley asked.

Zac looked around to make sure that no one else was paying any attention before he turned back to Ashley. "We almost slept together," he replied.

"Whoa ... so what happened? Why didn't you?" she asked.

"Well, things just happened so fast, and we were getting ready to ... and then ... I felt the baby kick, and it just sort of snapped me back to reality and freaked me out," Zac answered. "I mean, I guess I hadn't thought too much about her being pregnant ... as far as fitting into the equation of a relationship, but when I felt him kick, it was just like ... 'what the fuck am I doing?'"

"Well, you've been hanging around her and you knew she was pregnant all this time. Why did it suddenly freak you out?" Ashley asked.

"I guess I hadn't thought about what it would be like if Julie and I were ... intimate," Zac replied honestly. "I mean, god, that's just weird ... she's pregnant. I can't have sex with her."

"People do it all the time, Zac," Ashley replied seriously.

"Well, it's still weird," he replied.

"So what? That changes how you feel about Julie?" she asked.

"No! I still care about her," he replied. "I just ... I don't know. It's just weird. I can't even think of any other way to describe it other than just being weird."

"I think you're the one that's weird," Ashley commented. "So what happened after the baby kicked?"

"Well, I freaked and told her that I couldn't do it ... and I went back to my room," he replied.

"And you just left her there?" Ashley exclaimed.

"Well ... yeah," Zac replied.

"God, Zac! What the hell were you thinking?" she demanded.

"Well, that's the point - I really wasn't thinking," he replied.

"Obviously," Ashley muttered as she rolled her eyes. "So, you and Julie haven't talked about what happened?"

"No," Zac replied.

"Why not?" Ashley asked.

"I don't even know what to say to her about it!" Zac replied, throwing his hands up in the air.

"Well, the poor girl is probably out of her mind with confusion and add that to being pregnant! She's probably an emotional wreck over you!" Ashley exclaimed.

"So, what should I do?" Zac asked.

"Talk to you her, you idiot!" she said, smacking him on the head while shaking her head in disbelief.

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