After the Halloween disaster between Shalee and Kate, we didn’t hear from Zac for a few days. I was surprised by the fact that it didn’t seem to worry Shalee, but she told me that once Zac had time to cool down, he’d come back around and she’d apologize.

I couldn’t fathom why she would wait for him to come to her, but she explained that that was how it had always been with them. They were both stubborn, and it was pointless for either of them to try to work things out until they were both calmed down.

After she explained it, I could understand her reasoning better. It still seemed a little odd to me though. Whenever I got into a fight with Drea, which rarely ever happened, I’d always stew over it for days, feeling terrible until one of us finally worked up the courage to apologize. But I guess every friendship is different.

Shalee said that it usually took Zac longer to get over it, so she just let him come to her so that she didn’t try to patch things while he was still angry and end up making matters worse. That’s why after five days of hearing nothing from Zac, I wasn’t completely shocked when I came back to the dorms after lunch and found Zac waiting outside the door.

“Hey,” he said.

“Hey,” I replied. “How’s it going?” I asked.

“Well, not particularly well,” he sighed. “Any idea where Shalee’s at?”

“She was going down to the store with Danny,” I replied. “She should be back soon though,” I added. “Want to come in and wait for her?” I asked.

“You don’t mind?” he asked.

“No, it’s fine,” I shrugged as I unlocked the door. I went inside and dropped my purse to the desk as Zac followed me in, shutting the door behind him. “So, how are things fairing with Kate?” I asked curiously.

Zac sighed and I glanced over my shoulder at him and saw him shaking his head.

“That well?” I asked, biting back a smile.

Zac rolled his eyes. “She wouldn’t talk to me for three days straight,” he replied. “Then yesterday she finally took my call and yelled at me for ‘not standing up for her,’” he explained. “I don’t know what I was supposed to do. They were both acting pretty damn immature,” he sighed.

I couldn’t help but agree. “So, are you still mad at Shalee?” I asked.

Zac shrugged. “I don’t know. I wish her and Kate would at least try to be civil around each other, but I suppose when they’re both acting immature, I can’t blame one of them anymore than the other,” he said.

“It must be hard,” I said.

“It is. The two people who mean the most to me can’t even stand to be in the same room,” he said. “I don’t know what the problem is. I don’t know why they don’t like each other.”

“Well, I can’t blame Shalee for being pissed off that Kate thinks she wants you,” I said. “When you’re clearly just friends,” I added.

“What?” Zac asked, looking confused.

“You know … Kate thought that Shalee wanted you, and that’s why Kate doesn’t like Shalee,” I said. “And Shalee doesn’t like Kate because she doesn’t like her.”

Zac looked at me in confusion for a moment and started to say something, but the door opened and Shalee and Danny walked in.

“Hey …” Shalee said as Danny shut the door.

“Hey,” Zac replied. “When did all of this shit about Kate saying you wanted me happen?” he asked.

My eyes grew wide, and I felt my face grow warm. I had no idea Zac didn’t know about it. Otherwise, I never would have said anything about it to him. Shalee glanced at me, but she didn’t appear to be mad.

“I didn’t know he didn’t know,” I said quickly.

“It’s okay,” Shalee shrugged and turned back to Zac. “Apparently, she came to this conclusion sometime after we first met,” Shalee replied with a shrug. “And she decided she didn’t like me. I would have thought you would have asked your girlfriend why she hated me so much about four years ago when it became apparent we didn’t get along.”

“Well, I’m glad someone thought to clue me in,” Zac frowned, glancing my way. “And neither you or Kate would ever tell me what the problem was.”

Shalee rolled her eyes. “Did you just come over to fight because I’m really not in the mood,” she said. “I’m sorry about the what happened at Halloween. I was being a bitch. I admit it, okay?”

“I’m really not the one you should be apologizing to,” Zac commented.

“I’m sure as fuck not going to apologize to Kate,” Shalee said.

“I figured as much,” Zac sighed.

“Zac, I’m sorry. I know you wish that Kate and I would get along, but I just don’t think it’s going to happen,” Shalee said. “But I will try to be more civil when she’s around for your sake. Is that good enough?” she asked.

I felt somewhat awkward sitting there watching Shalee and Zac talk, but Danny didn’t seem to mind. He was stretched out across Shalee’s bed and didn’t seem to care about their personal discussion. In fact he had grabbed one of Shalee’s magazines and was flipping through it casually, as if Zac and Shalee were talking about something as simple as what they wanted for dinner.

I sat down on my bed and tried to look interested in the pattern on my comforter though. I had thought about leaving the room when Shalee and Danny had first entered the room, but it was too late now. And Zac and Shalee didn’t seem to notice that Danny and I were still in the room, hearing everything they had to say.

I felt incredibly stupid for opening my mouth and spilling the beans to Zac. I had had no idea he didn’t know the real reason why Kate and Shalee didn’t get along. When Shalee said that she thought he would have asked about it four years ago, I was a little taken aback. I hadn’t realized Zac and Kate had been together that long. And I couldn’t imagine putting up with the bickering between Kate and Shalee for that long.

“Will you really try?” Zac asked. “Because I didn’t see you trying to contain yourself at all on Halloween.”

“I know. It was stupid. I was stupid,” Shalee said. “And I am really sorry. I just don’t want to fight anymore.”

Zac sighed. “Neither do I,” he sounded almost defeated.

“Well, now that that’s settled how about we go out and have some fun?” she asked, nudging him in the side.

Zac started to shake his head, but Shalee said, “Tsk tsk. Rhetorical question,” she smirked. “Danny and I were talking about going to play laser tag. We haven’t been in a long time.”

“Laser tag sounds cool,” Zac shrugged as Danny sat up on the bed.

“Sweet,” he grinned. “I’ve been itching to kick Shalee’s ass since the last time.”

“Oh, you know you can’t kick my ass,” Shalee smirked. “So what do you say, Jude? Are you game?” she asked.

I looked up with surprise. Despite the fact that I knew Shalee and I were friends, I still wasn’t used to the fact that when she suggested that “we” go out that that included me. I usually assumed that it meant her and Danny. I guess it just showed how pathetic I was as far as friends go, but I was slowly getting used to being “one of the gang.” It felt nice to be wanted. Not that Drea and Paul weren’t enough, but with Drea two hours away, and Paul standing me up, I couldn’t deny that I needed people close to me to hang out with.

I’d always been content with staying home and doing nothing, but since I’d started college, I had begun to feel like maybe it was time for me to branch out. I used to think that I knew so much about who I was, but over the summer I had done a lot of thinking, and I’d come to the conclusion that while I used to know who I was, I wasn’t that same girl anymore. It wasn’t until my arrival at the dorms and after Emmy’s insistence that I put forth a little effect that I decided that that this was a perfect opportunity for me to start to figure some things out about myself.

“Sure,” I said to Shalee, who was watching me expectantly. “I’ve never played laser tag before though,” I commented.

“What?” Danny exclaimed. “You’re kidding, right?”

“Dude, not everyone eats, sleeps, and breathes laser tag like you did growing up,” Zac commented as he looked at me. “Don’t worry, Jude, there’s nothing to it. We’ll explain it when we get there,” he smiled. “You’ll catch on in no time.”

“Okay, thanks,” I smiled, feeling relieved. Just because I was willing to try new things, I didn’t mean it was easy. Going from being a creature of habit for seventeen years to trying to be more adventurous isn’t nearly as easy as it sounds.

Once we arrived at the arena, Zac and Shalee explained the gist of the game to me while Danny went to see how long we’d have to wait before we could play. Since it was still early in the afternoon, most kids were still in school and we didn’t have to wait long at all. We put on our gear and headed into the dark room.

Shalee and I were on a team against Zac and Danny. Right before we went in though Shalee told me that we had to beat the guys, which didn’t really fair well with the amount of anxiety I already had, but I was determined to have a good time. Besides, I knew that Shalee was only joking about winning. I knew her well enough to know that she was a good sport. However, that didn’t stop me from playing my hardest.

I guess it was the overachiever in me. I’d never really been overly competitive, but I really hated to fail. That was probably why I had a 4.0 grade point average. Dad had always been the stickler about grades, whereas mom always told Emmy and I to just try our best. I didn’t like to disappoint people, so I always made sure I studied and put all of my effort into my school. Usually it paid off.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t study my way through laser tag, but I still managed to hold my own. Shalee got the most shots and scored the most points for us. I did manage to make a few. I got Zac in the shoulder and Danny in the back. Zac was at a bit of a disadvantage though because he was wearing a white t-shirt, which glowed under the black lights, but even with a disadvantage, Zac did well. Danny was blasting away, but I managed to elude both him and Zac most of the time. While I wasn’t a particularly good aim, I could still move fast.

After our twenty minutes were up, we went to find out the scores. I really had no idea how well Shalee and I had done. She had made a lot more hits than me, but I wasn’t sure she had made enough to make up for my lack of aim – especially against Zac and Danny, who actually knew what they were doing.

However, as luck would have it, Shalee and I beat them by ten points.

“No effin’ way!” Danny exclaimed. “That’s not even possible. I demand a rematch!”

“Danny, don’t be a sore loser,” Shalee laughed, punching him in the shoulder. “Besides, I need food before I’ll even consider a rematch,” she sighed.

“Wanna go for pizza?” Zac asked. “Pizza by the Slice is down the road.”

“Sounds good to me,” Danny agreed.

“Me too,” I nodded, rubbing my stomach absently. I made a note to myself to eat a full meal before I played a game of laser tag the next time. For a twenty-minute game, it sure took a lot of energy.

We drove down the street to the pizza parlor and sat in a booth at the back. We ordered a large pepperoni pizza and some drinks. We made small talk while we waited for it to cook, and once the pizza arrived, we all dug in.

I was working on my second slice when my cell phone started ringing. I was half tempted to just let it go, but the sound of ‘Oops I Did It Again’ coming from my cell phone was hard to ignore. Drea had changed it the last time I was home because she thought it was funny, and I hadn’t got around to changing it yet.

I grabbed my phone out of my purse and checked to see who was calling. It was Drea. I rolled my eyes while mentally deciding to rip her a new one for changing my ringtone to such a horrid song and flipped the phone open. “Hey, Dre,” I said cheerfully. I couldn’t wait to tell her about my first experience playing laser tag. I promised myself I’d rip her a new one afterward.

“Jude?” she said.

“Yeah?” I replied. I could tell from the sound of her voice that something was wrong.

“Um, Jude, I have to tell you something …” she said softly as I looked across the table and watched Shalee, Zac, and Danny as they joked around.

“What is it?” I asked, frowning. “Is it dad? Mia?” I asked.

“No, it’s …” I could hear her sniffling. I started to panic. Drea didn’t cry easily. The last time I saw her cry was at my mom’s funeral.

“Drea, what is it? What happened?” I demanded. My voice came out much harsher than I intended, and Shalee, Zac, and Danny immediately quieted down, and I could feel their eyes on me.

“It’s Paul,” she finally managed. I could hear the pain clearly in her voice now, and she wasn’t making any attempt to hide that she was crying.

“What about Paul?” I asked, feeling my heart speed up with panic.

“Jude, he’s gone,” she said.

“Gone? What do you mean?” I asked, shaking my head in confusion. “What are you talking about?”

“He’s dead, Jude,” she cried.

I felt my throat start to close up, and I swear it felt like my heart stopped beating completely. It was as if my heart had died and dropped down into my stomach. I blinked a few times, trying to process Drea’s words but disbelieving them as soon as they were processed.

I could hear Drea talking to me, but her words sounded so jumbled. I couldn’t understand what she was saying, and Shalee was looking at me. Her lips were moving, but I couldn’t hear what she was saying. I closed my eyes. I was sure I was going to pass out.

I felt a hand on my shoulder, shaking me as my phone was taken out of my hand. I opened my eyes and saw Shalee on the phone, and Zac was seated beside me with his hand on my shoulder. When my eyes finally focused on his eyes, he asked, “Jude, can you hear me?”

I nodded slowly as Shalee spoke into my phone. She looked pale and was nodding her head. I guessed that Drea had told her about Paul. I tried to remember if I had even told Shalee about Paul. I didn’t think I had. I started to feel bad for not telling her about him, but then I assured myself that it wasn’t real.

It couldn’t be real. There was no way Paul was dead. He just couldn’t be. We were supposed to be making up. We were supposed to be trying to get back to where we were before so that we could finally step our relationship up to the next level. Besides, he just couldn’t be dead. I was still mad at him for standing me up. He couldn’t be dead because if he was really dead, I couldn’t be mad at him anymore. I wasn’t ready to not be mad at him yet. He hadn’t apologized for not calling me.

I could still feel Zac at my side. His hand was still on my shoulder. Shalee was talking to him and Danny though. She wasn’t on the phone anymore. She was telling them about Paul. I wanted to tell her to shut up. It wasn’t true. It just couldn’t be true.

“Paul’s not dead,” I said to myself. Zac squeezed my shoulder as I spoke. “He can’t be dead,” I said, assuring myself, but even as I said it, I knew it was a lie. Drea wouldn’t lie about something like this, so it had to be true. Paul really was dead. My heart ached as I tried to make sense of it, but all I could do was cry. My whole body started to shudder.

I shook my head while silently repeating the word ‘no’ to myself. A felt first one pair of strong arms wrap around me. It knew it was Zac because I could smell his cologne. I buried my head into his shoulder, and a moment later another set of arms was wrapped around my back, and I could tell it was Shalee because her long hair was tickling my neck. I felt extra pressure around me, and I lifted my head only briefly to see that Danny had wrapped himself around the outside, closing me safely inside.

Even through the pain, I couldn’t help but thank God for my new found friends.

Paul died of a drug overdose. I didn’t even know he had started using again. I felt like that was something I should have known. It was something I should have been able to tell. Paul and I had been friends since the sixth grade. We were best friends. I was supposed to know when something was wrong. But I didn’t. I had no idea. I was mad at him because he never called me, and I hadn’t bothered to try to call him back since.

Drea said it wasn’t my fault. There was no way I could have known, but that didn’t change how I felt. I felt like a failure. What kind of friend was I? I wasn’t there for him. I pushed him out of my life. I made him feel unwanted. It was no wonder he never called me back. I should have been the one calling him, apologizing for ruining things between us, but I hadn’t. I was being selfish.

The day after I found out about Paul, Drea came to get me. When she got to the dorms, we just hugged for the longest time, neither of us speaking as we cried, mourning the death of our friend. Most of the ride back to Roland was the same way, but Drea did tell me that he died of an overdose. I felt like I should have said something in response to the revelation, but I couldn’t find the words.

After I left the pizza parlor with Zac, Shalee, and Danny, I hadn’t said much of anything at all. Zac and Danny made sure Shalee got me back to the dorms safely before they left, and from there I’d spent the rest of the day in bed, burrowed under the covers as I cried. Shalee sat by me, patting me on the back and whispering words of comfort to me. She even took all of my calls for me, as I was too distraught to even move from my place under the covers.

The day of Paul’s funeral was one of the hardest ones of my life, second only to the day mom died. It was even harder than that horrible night in March that I refused to talk about.

I cried throughout the service, and when I went up to see him one last time before they closed the casket, I broke into a full out sob as I had at the pizza parlor. Dad and Drea held onto me though. I couldn’t control my sobbing when we went to the cemetery for the burial either, but I managed to compose myself to best of my ability by the time we reached Paul’s parents’ house.

It was hard walking into his house – a house I set foot inside of so many times in the past – and know that Paul wouldn’t be inside to greet me. He wouldn’t be able to sing Hey Jude to me just to get on my nerves. He wouldn’t look at me with the goofy grin and say something completely stupid just to make me laugh anymore.

He’d never look at me like I was the beautiful girl in the world ever again. He’d never get to kiss me again – not just a kiss on the forehead but a real kiss. I’d never get to feel his warm, soft lips against mine and the world wouldn’t cease to exist, as it had the first time he kissed me just two weeks after my seventeenth birthday. I’d never get to tell him how much I loved him and how sorry I was for pushing away. It was too late for all of that.

When we stepped into the house, we were greeted by some of Paul’s extended family. Drea talked with a few of our former classmates as I stood idly by, trying not to fall to pieces. Then Nora Rutherford, Paul’s mom, found me and asked to speak with me for a moment. Even though I wasn’t sure I could handle speaking with anyone at the moment, I couldn’t say no to her. She’d just lost her youngest son.

We stepped into the kitchen for some privacy, and Nora pulled me into a hug. “I just can’t believe he’s gone,” she cried.

“Neither can I,” I whispered as she released me from her embrace.

“I just don’t understand why he did this,” Nora cried, shaking her head as she walked over to the cabinets and opened one of the drawers. She pulled out an envelope and shut the drawer before walking back over to me. “I found this in his room,” she said, handing it to me. I looked down and recognized my name written in Paul’s sloppy cursive writing.

“What is this?” I asked, frowning.

“I don’t know,” she said. “I didn’t read it, but I think he wanted you to have it.”

“Did he …” I felt a lump in my throat. “Did he OD on purpose?” I asked as my voice trembled with unshed tears. My heart was racing. All this time I had thought it was an accident. I hadn’t for one moment thought that he had meant to overdose.

“I don’t know, Jude,” she said, shaking her head. “I’m not sure if we’ll ever know, but maybe you’ll find some answers in whatever’s in there,” she said, nodding toward the envelope in my hand.

I started to reply but Paul’s older brother, Shane, came into the kitchen. He said hello before he started talking to his mom, and I took the opportunity to slip out of the room. I walked to the front door and stepped outside and sat down on the front porch swing. It was chilly, but I didn’t mind. If I knew I was cold, that meant I could still feel, which meant I wasn’t numb. I didn’t want to be numb again. I spent the whole summer trying to break free from being numb to the world. As much as it hurt to mourn Paul’s death, I still wanted to feel it because even as much as it hurt, I still wanted to feel alive.

I slowly opened the envelope. There was a single sheet of white paper inside and I carefully pulled it out and unfolded it. I took a deep breath before I let my eyes settle on the words on the paper.

Hey Jude,

Do you have any idea how long it took me to figure out how to start this letter? I don’t even know how to talk to you anymore. How pathetic is that? Before you get upset, I’m not trying to make you feel bad. Don’t worry. It’s not your fault. You’ve been through a lot, and I understand that. If anyone should feel guilty, it’s me because I gave up on you. You told me you needed time and a friend. I gave you time, but I wasn’t really much of a friend, was I? We talked what – six times over the summer? I’d say that’s pretty shitty for someone who’s supposed to be your best friend. And don’t say it’s okay just to make me feel better. It’s not okay, and I don’t want you to make me feel better. I don’t deserve it. You probably don’t understand why, but I’m sure you will soon enough. I’ve done some pretty stupid things in the past, but this one takes the cake. I hope someday you can forgive me. There are so many things I want to say to you, but I can’t even find the words. Things were never this hard before. What happened to us? I used to be able to tell you everything. Now I’m just too ashamed. But I guess what I really want you to know more than anything is that I love you. You’re the only girl I’ve ever loved. Ever since that first day of homeroom. I don’t know what I would have done without you. You were everything to me, and I’m just sorry that I couldn’t have been more to you. I know you love – whether real love or just a friend, I don’t suppose it matters. I’ll take your love any way I can get it. I just want you to know that I’m sorry.

I frowned at the letters in my hand. I couldn’t figure out why he was apologizing. Was it because he really was planning to overdose on purpose and he knew how much it would hurt me if he died? If he knew, then why would he go through with it? I shook my head. I didn’t understand. The letter was dated a few days before his death, so I couldn’t help but wonder if he had been planning this. I really didn’t know what to think. I had really hoped for some kind of answer within the letter, but it seemed to leave me feeling more confused than I had before.

I sat there trying to sort out Paul’s words until dad, Fleur, and Drea came outside looking for me. I told them I was ready to go, and we went back home. I didn’t feel like doing much of anything, and neither did Drea, so we both laid on my bed in my old pajamas and listened to my Fiona Apple mix CD that was reserved for especially depressing occasions until we fell asleep.

I didn’t even care that I had class the next morning. I missed both classes, but dad didn’t even complain that I was still home when he came home for lunch. I was grateful for that because being studious was the last thing on my mind.

Drea and I left sometime after one. We hadn’t talked much at all over the weekend. It still felt too unreal. I didn’t even tell her about Paul’s letter. Part of me felt like I should have, but then the other part of me said that if Paul had wanted Drea to read it then he would have put her name on the envelope too. Besides, I wanted that one part of Paul just for myself – even if it did cause me nothing by confusion. I was willing to take that because it was the last real piece of him I had left.

We got to the dorms around three or so. Shalee was in the room, and Zac was over. I did a half ass job introducing them. Shalee had met Drea briefly before I left to go to Paul’s funeral, but I hadn’t really made the proper introductions. I figured they were both smart enough to figure who the other one was.

Instead of leaving right away, Drea agreed to stay for a while. Shalee was much more subdued than normal. I knew she was trying not to be too rambunctious for my sake, but part of my wanted her to be loud and silly. I didn’t want to have focus all of my thoughts on Paul. It hurt too much. I need a distraction – even if it was just for a short time.

Even though I knew she was hurting just as much as me, Drea seemed to be able to mask her pain better than me and was more talkative than me. She told Zac and Shalee about working at the salon. She even told Zac how much Emmy was in love with Taylor, to which Zac rolled his eyes and said, “Go figure that.”

I supposed after year and years of girls lusting after his blue-eyed brother, Zac was probably used to all of the attention Taylor received. I studied Zac as he, Drea, and Shalee talked. I wondered if he was ever jealous of Taylor. I knew that I was jealous of Emmy when I was younger. I always thought she was prettier than me. Guys always seemed to notice her. No one ever noticed me – except Paul, but he was gone now, so now there was no one.

I didn’t hear much of the conversation between the three of them because my mind kept wondering elsewhere. I tried to focus, but I really didn’t care that much. They really didn’t need me to keep a conversation going, but Zac and Shalee kept glancing at me, as if to check and make sure I was still with them. I figured they were probably afraid I was going to have another zoning out followed by a full out freak out like I had the pizza parlor. I felt somewhat embarrassed about that, but there wasn’t much I could do about it after the fact. I was just grateful that they had let me use their shoulders to cry on when I really needed one.

“Hey, Zac?” Drea said after a while.

“Yeah?” he replied.

“I’ve always wondered this, and I think you’re just the guy to answer my question,” she said seriously. I glanced at her, eyebrows knit in confusion as to what thing she had always wondered.

“Okay, shoot,” Zac grinned.

“Okay, how much mmm would an mmmbop bop if an mmmbop could bop mmm?" she asked, suppressing a grin. I shook my head and felt the corners of my mouth twitch upward. I knew for a fact that Drea had never wondered any such thing, and the fact that she could even come up with something like that so randomly blew my mind. I hadn’t been able to keep a coherent thought for more than five minutes for the past few days.

“Wow, well, that’s tough one to answer,” Zac replied, smiling broadly. I was so grateful that Drea hadn’t offended him in some way. The short time that I’d known him I’d never ventured down the road of really discussing Hanson. Of course I really didn’t have much to talk about since the only song I’d ever heard by Hanson was Mmmbop, and that had been years earlier. I was just glad that it didn’t seem to be a topic he minded.

It also felt nice to be in good company. Maybe I wasn’t overly talkative, but it was comforting to listen to my best friend in the world talk with my two newest friends. I just wished that Drea were around more. I didn’t want her to leave. I wanted her to stay there so that she could be with me all the time like she used to be. But I knew that that wasn’t going to happen. Whether it was now or later, I knew that at some point our lives would go in different directions. I was just happy for that moment. Even through pain and sadness, I still felt hope, and I couldn’t stop a small smile from appearing on my face.