The week following Paul’s death was pretty hard for me. My thoughts were consumed with him. I was still confused about the meaning of his letter. I had considered talking to Drea about it to see if she had any idea what he meant, but getting Drea on the phone for more than five minutes at a time had become increasingly hard.

She had seemed so calm and in control when she brought me back to campus and while we were hanging out with Shalee and Zac, but it seemed as soon as she got back home, she lost it. My first clue came when I hadn’t heard a single word from her in four days. Normally she’d call at least every other day to talk, so after not hearing from her, I grew concerned and called her up.

She claimed that she was fine, and that she had just been busy, but I could tell by the sound of her voice, she wasn’t doing as well as she wanted me to believe. But when I tried to talk to her about Paul, she’d always tell me she didn’t want to talk about it and give me some excuse to get off of the phone.

I felt a little hurt by her dismissal, but she and Paul had been friends too, and I understood that she was mourning his death just as I was but in her own way. Normally I didn’t like to talk about things either, but it figured that it would be just my luck that when I actually wanted to talk about something, Drea wouldn’t. I didn’t blame her though. I had to give her time.

Shalee had been amazing. She was careful about giving me my space, but at the same time she always made sure I knew that I could talk to her if I wanted. I probably would have taken her up on it, but it just didn’t feel right. I couldn’t talk to her about Paul. I couldn’t really explain it, but Paul was always like this special thing that was just mine. Well, he was Drea’s too but in a different way. She loved him too – just not like I loved him.

I’d never doubted Drea’s feelings for Paul except for one time. It was when we were freshmen. I had to go to a dentist appointment after school, but I made plans to meet up with Paul and Drea at her house afterward. When I arrived at her house, I let myself in as usual. I expected to find them in the living room watching television and pigging out. That was usually what we did at Drea’s house because Mia always bought the best junk food.

However, they weren’t in the living room, so I went upstairs to Drea’s room. When I found them, they were on the floor with Drea on top of Paul. At first I thought they looked like they were going to kiss, but a second later I realized that they were wrestling over Drea’s diary, which Paul was holding captive. Drea and Paul didn’t even jump up or act guilty, so I knew that it was just me, looking too far into things, but that didn’t stop me from watching them closer for the next few weeks, looking for signs that maybe they had feelings for each other.

After I realized that there was nothing to it, I just felt stupid. Drea was well aware of my feelings for Paul. She probably knew about them before I ever did, and I knew that she would never interfere with that. Her and Paul were friends. He often told me that Drea was just like another guy to him. He never said the same thing about me though. He always told me I was too pretty to be considered one of the guys. It always made me smile because it was as if Paul knew when I needed to hear someone say that I was pretty or make me feel special.

I went home the weekend following Paul’s death to see Drea, but we really didn’t do much talking while I was there. We mostly laid around her room listening to music and staring off into space. While I found it a comfort just to be around Drea, I wasn’t sure if I was more of a comfort or a hindrance to her. Most of the time I was around Drea, my thoughts were filled with memories of her and I with Paul. I had always found it to be a comfort to reminisce about my mom after she died, but it wasn’t the same with Paul. It was still too soon to travel down that road. I think Drea felt the same way, but by her demeanor, I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe just my presence was a reminder of Paul. That was why I wondered if I was just being a hindrance.

When I returned to school, it was a relief to be away from the undeniable sadness I had felt around Drea. Hanging around Danny and Shalee was a huge help to my mood, so by midweek, I was able to get my thoughts collected enough to catch up on all of my homework.

I had planned to return home again on Friday, but on Thursday afternoon my plans were changed when Zac called up Shalee to ask her if she, Danny, and I wanted to go with him, Taylor, Natalie, and Isaac to Cain’s to celebrate Isaac’s twenty-fifth birthday. However, Shalee was going home for the weekend and Danny was going with her, but the invitation was still extended to me. At first I wanted to say no because Shalee wouldn’t be there and I still wasn’t completely used to hanging around with Zac or the others without her, but in the end I decided to stay at the dorm and go out with them.

Drea had made it pretty clear over the course of the week that she hadn’t really felt like talking, and I didn’t really feel like moping around home all weekend. Sure, my heart still ached for Paul, but I didn’t want to sit around and feel sad. I’d done that too many times in the past. While I missed Paul with all of my heart, it wasn’t going to stop me from going on with my life. That was what Emmy and Shalee both kept telling me, and I knew that they were right. My world didn’t end when my mom died, and it wasn’t going to end just because Paul died.

Even though I agreed to stay, I was still a little leery about going out with Zac, Isaac, Taylor, and Natalie. I was growing more comfortable around Zac, but I had only met Isaac once and Taylor and Natalie twice. I could hardly consider us friends even though they all seemed nice enough. I even felt a little weird about going to celebrate Isaac’s birthday when I hadn’t even been there to celebrate Zac’s birthday, and he was the one of the bunch I was most likely to consider my friend.

It seemed a little odd that Shalee wasn’t sticking around to celebrate Isaac’s birthday when she considered him a surrogate older brother, but she and Danny were going to her place for the weekend - namely because her parents were going out of town as well, which meant she and Danny would have her parents’ house all to themselves for the weekend. I hadn’t seen it, but Shalee had confided in me that she was worried about things between her and Danny, and she wanted to use the time for them to be alone.

“I don’t know. I just keep wondering if maybe he’s getting bored,” she frowned as she packed her bags.

“What makes you think that?” I asked.

Shalee shrugged and made a face as she sat down on her bed across from me. “Have you ever had sex?” she asked me.

My eyes grew wide and I stared at her blankly. “What does that have to do with anything?” I asked.

“Well, it’s just … when Danny and I … he just doesn’t seem as interested as he used to be,” she replied. “I mean, maybe after being together for six years … and sleeping together for three of them … maybe I’m just not as appealing as I used to be,” she said, looking down at her hands. “We were so young when we got together, and we’ve never dated anyone else, so maybe he’s regretting it now – especially now that we’re at college and there are girls galore.”

“Shalee, I’m sure that’s not true,” I said quickly. “I see the way that Danny looks at you. He adores you. I mean, maybe it’s just stress from class.”

“Yeah, maybe,” Shalee shrugged. “I’m sure as hell going to try to spice things up this weekend though,” she grinned.

“I really don’t need to know this,” I smiled.

“Oh, you know you’re dying to hear all the juicy details when I get back,” she smirked.

I rolled my eyes and shook my head as she continued packing up her things. Shalee and Danny left the following afternoon, leaving me alone in the dorm for the entire weekend. It was my first time staying there alone, but it surprised me when I decided that I really didn’t mind. I enjoyed Shalee’s company, but some time alone really didn’t sound all that bad.

I had been thinking a lot about her question about whether or not I’d had sex. It really bothered me. I twisted the ring on my ring finger and stared at it for a long time. My parents had given it to me when I was twelve. It was a promise ring, signifying my vow to wait until marriage to have sex. Well, as far as my dad was concerned, it was so that I would wait until marriage, but my mom told me that later that all she really wanted was for me to vow to wait until I found someone I really loved before I had sex.

My parents never really were overly religious. I think the idea for the ring came from my dad after Emmy got pregnant. He never said much about the fact that she got pregnant before she and Harris were married, but I think that was mostly because he was so focused on my mom at the time. I didn’t mind the promise ring though. I had always told myself that I would wait for the right guy before I even thought about having sex.

It seemed odd now. The only guy I had ever considered giving myself to that way was gone. Part of me ached, knowing that Paul would never make love to me as I often dreamt about in the past.

I hadn’t really ever thought that much about sex though. Drea always claimed that I was insane when I told her I didn’t really think about it. Drea and I were very different in that way. I’d never call her a slut, but she had slept with quite a few guys in the past.

She was fifteen the first time, and at the time her mom had just started dating again. I think Drea was feeling ignored and unloved by her mom because Mia’s focus wasn’t just on her anymore, so Drea slept with her boyfriend at the time. They broke up not long after, and Drea started hooking up with different guys at different parties.

I was worried about her, but when Drea decided she wanted to do something, there really was no stopping her. She calmed down by the following year though, which I was grateful for because it really bothered me when I heard other people talking and calling her names. Drea never seemed to mind though, and after a while, I decided that if it didn’t bother her, then it shouldn’t bother me either.

After spending my afternoon lazing away in front of the computer, I decided to get ready to go out. I really didn’t know anything about where we were going except it was a club called Cain’s, and we were seeing a local band that Isaac, Taylor, and Zac were friends with.

I changed clothes three times before I decided on wearing a jade-colored top with black lace around the shoulders, back, and torso with pintuck detailing, and a ribbon tie accent at the back. I’d borrowed it from Drea nearly a year earlier, and as it often went, I still hadn’t given back. That seemed to be a trend with the two of us. I debated between wearing a skirt and pants for nearly twenty minutes before deciding on my comfortable black twill pants with the slanted pockets. I never wore skirts, and I really didn’t see just cause for starting - especially since the weather was growing increasingly chilly. I slipped into my black chucks and brushed my hair.

I still wasn’t used to my new hairstyle, and I’d had it for nearly a month. The bottom layer was dark, nearly black and the layers on top were a mixture of red and blonde. My hair was still just below my shoulders, or at least the bottom layer was. Drea had trimmed it, and the rest of the layers were shorter and framed my face. I really liked it, but I still wasn’t used to it. Dad hadn’t been particularly fond of it. He hadn’t actually said anything, but I could tell by the look on his face when he first saw it. I didn’t care though.

Zac knocked on the door just as I was finishing getting ready, and I grabbed a charcoal gray cardigan and my purse before we took the elevator downstairs. Taylor was parked right outside the door, and Zac, Isaac, and I were squeezed into the backseat while Taylor drove and Natalie took the passenger’s seat.

It was a relief to have Natalie there because I really didn’t know what to talk about with Isaac, Taylor, or Zac. During the ride to the club, Isaac dug around in his pocket until he pulled out a box of cigarettes. I was a little surprised to discover that he smoked. He offered everyone else in the vehicle one. Taylor started to take one, but Natalie hissed and muttered something about children riding in the vehicle and dying from secondhand smoke, so Taylor declined. Zac didn’t take one either, and Isaac looked at me in question as he lit his cigarette.

“Unless you want to be caught for contributing to a minor, I think I’ll pass,” I answered.

“A minor?” Taylor asked, glancing over his shoulder.

“Yeah, I’m only seventeen,” I replied.

“Seriously?” Zac asked, looking surprised. “I thought you were at least eighteen -maybe nineteen.”

I shook my head. “I was the youngest in my class,” I said. I almost told them that I was the youngest because I had skipped kindergarten, but I decided not to for fear that they might think that I was bragging. It wasn’t something I really thought much about, but some of the kids I went to school with made fun of me the first few years of elementary school, calling me a smarty pants. I didn’t understand why because it wasn’t as if it was my fault that the teachers thought I was mature enough and smart enough to skip kindergarten and go straight to first grade.

Although I suppose that’s a bit of a lie. When Drea started kindergarten, I had whined and threw a fit, saying I wanted to go too, but since I was a year younger and wasn’t old enough, according to the rules of the school, I couldn’t. But even though I couldn’t actually go to school, that didn’t stop me from learning. I had started reading when I was four. My dad used to read a story to me every night, and before long I was reading to him, and after Drea started school, I started copying her homework and doing it as if I had school too.

I can’t deny that I was quite pleased with myself when I got to bypass kindergarten and wound up in the same first grade class as Drea. It was perfect in my opinion. After spending an entire year vying to go to school like my best friend, I finally got to go with her instead of being left behind at the salon with our moms.

When we arrived at Cain’s we all paid to get in and Isaac, Taylor, and Zac went to get drinks while Natalie and I went to find seats. We found a table near the back. Natalie explained that might be able to elude any fans from seeing the guys. She explained that it seemed like fans sometimes just hung out in places the guys were known to go just in case they might see them.

“That must get annoying,” I commented as I took off my cardigan and hung it on the back of my seat.

“I guess it just takes getting used to. At first it used to bother me when girls would snap pictures as we walked by or bombard us everywhere we went, and it’s still weird, but I guess I’ve just grown to ignore it,” Natalie shrugged. “And your shirt is too cute,” she added.

I smiled and glanced down at it. “Thanks, it’s actually my cousins. I’ve confiscated it,” I grinned.

Natalie laughed. “So you and your cousin are close?” she asked.

“Best friends,” I nodded.

“That’s cool,” she nodded.

“You and Kate are best friends, right?” I asked.

Natalie cocked her head to the side and did something between a nod and a shrug, and I frowned. I was sure that Shalee had told me that they were best friends.

“We were best friends growing up. I guess we still are, but just not like we used to be,” she explained. “Our lives are pretty different now. I mean, I’m married with two kids, and she’s still in college.”

“But her and Zac are engaged,” I commented.

“Yeah,” she nodded. “That’s definitely not the same as being married though. I don’t think either of them know what they’re in for.”

“Probably not,” I agreed. “My sister got married when she was nineteen. She was also pregnant and in college at the time. It was hard for her. I mean, she managed, but it was no walk in the park,” I said. “I don’t think I’d want to take on all of that responsibility all at once.”

“Yeah, I really didn’t expect to be married with a baby when I was nineteen either,” Natalie said. “I had plans to go to college and everything. Then I found out a was pregnant and everything changed.”

“But you do a really good job,” I smiled. “I can tell you love Ezra and Ellie. And Taylor, of course.”

Natalie smiled. “Thank you,” she said as the guys found our table and handed out the drinks.

Everyone except Zac and I had alcoholic beverages. Zac was trying to convince Isaac or Taylor to buy him a beer, but they wouldn’t do it. I was just happy with my coke. I’d never been much of a drinker. The one time I had really gotten drunk, I wound up spending half of my night hugging the toilet, and laid in bed with a migraine, feeling like I’d been run over by a freight train the next day. Thankfully, I was at Drea’s, so I didn’t have to explain that one to dad.

The music was good and the atmosphere was nice. The band sang Happy Birthday to Isaac at the beginning of their set, and everyone in the venue sang along while Isaac stood on his chair, smiling like a dork.

I actually felt really comfortable, which really surprised me because I usually kept my guard up, but Natalie was so easy to talk to, and after a few drinks Isaac and Taylor were hard to take seriously. Zac was just an all around smartass, but his comments kept me smiling. It turned out to be just what I needed. During those few short hours we were there, the rest of the world fell away. Paul wasn’t dead. Drea wasn’t depressed. And I was happy.

I knew I’d have to come back to the real world at some point, but it was wonderful while it lasted. Isaac spotted some girl he found attractive and went to talk to her. Zac made sure everyone else knew that he thought she looked like a slut, but Taylor laughed it off saying that Isaac and Nikki, his on and off again girlfriend, were currently on the outs, so Isaac was looking for a piece of ass.

When the band started playing a cover of Twist and Shout, Natalie jumped up and pulled Taylor off to dance. Zac and I watched from our seats and laughed as Natalie and Taylor danced. Natalie was pretty close to drunk, and Taylor was a little tipsy, but it was amusing nonetheless. Zac expressed his relief that his mom was watching Ezra and Ellie overnight because he had a feeling Natalie and Taylor weren’t going to be in any condition to take care of them. “At the rate they’re drinking, I have a feeling they’re going to go home and make me an uncle again,” Zac snorted.

“Zac!” I screeched. “I don’t need to know that!” I laughed. Apparently, Shalee wasn’t the only who didn’t care about talking about sex openly.

“Hey, just you watch,” he laughed. “Couple of months down the road Nat’s going to come around telling us all that Taylor knocked her up again.”

I shook my head and sipped on my coke until Zac asked me to dance. I was a little taken aback by his question – mostly because he was engaged and his fiancée hated me by association - but after looking at him, I knew that he didn’t mean anything by it, and I figured that Kate would never find out about it anyway, so I agreed.

We danced through a couple of songs before the band announced they were going to “break things down a bit” and started to play a slow song. Zac and I stood amongst the mass of dancing couples for a moment, staring at each other nervously before I finally said, “I think I need a drink.”

“Yeah, me too,” Zac quickly agreed. We went back to our seats and sipped at our drinks and made small talk until Isaac came back, showing off the tiny piece of paper with a number written on it.

“Guess she fell for your cheesy pick up lines, eh?” Zac mused, and Isaac shot him a dirty look. Taylor and Natalie came back to the table not long after. We sat around for a little while longer, but as the set started to come to a close, we decided to head out.

I pulled my cardigan on and we went back out to Taylor’s SUV. Zac decided to drive since the others had been drinking, which was a relief because while Isaac still seemed fairly sober, Taylor and Natalie were in no condition to drive.

“I call dibs on the front seat!” Isaac had exclaimed as we reached the black SUV. So by default I was stuck in the back seat with Natalie and Taylor, who were being more than a little affectionate.

“Ya know, I’m almost positive that Jude doesn’t want to witness the conception of my future niece or nephew,” Zac commented. “Do you, Jude?”

“Not really,” I laughed, blushing.

“Sorry, Jude,” Natalie laughed as she untangled herself from Taylor. He kept his arm around her as she rested her head on his chest and sighed. I smiled and looked out the window, letting them have their moment to themselves.

When we reached my building, Zac offered to walk me up, but I assured him that I would be okay and thanked them for inviting me to come along. After our goodbyes, I headed inside. When I reached my dorm, I kicked off my shoes and collapsed on my bed with a smile on my face. It really had been a good night. It had been like a high, and I didn’t want to come down from it. I knew I had to, but I hoped that there would be many more nights just like that one.