The month of December came with a vengeance. Class loads became increasingly harder as the semester started to come to a close. Shalee and I spent most nights studying in our room, only leaving long enough to eat. I saw my advisor the first week of December and worked out my schedule for the following semester. Shalee and I managed to get a couple of classes together, which we were both excited about.

As each day drew closer to Christmas, I felt an overwhelming sense of dread. I hadn’t even started Christmas shopping, and I wasn’t really looking forward to returning home. I hadn’t been back since Thanksgiving, but my dad and Fleur kept calling to check in on me. I heard from Emmy that Drea finally told her mom that she was pregnant, and she was due in late March or early April, but that was all Emmy really said about it.

Drea had a called a few times. Both times she called me on my cell phone, I didn’t answer. The other time she called at the dorm, and I answered without looking at the caller ID. As soon as I realized it was her, I told her I had nothing to say to her and hung up. She had even tried sending me instant messages online and text messages on my phone, but I ignored them. I still wasn’t feeling any more forgiving toward her.

Part of me longed to speak to her though because the truth was I really missed her a lot. But the other part of me was still so angry and bitter. She had hurt me so deeply I didn’t know if I ever could forgive her. I’d thought about it at length, and I tried to make sense of it.

I didn’t understand how something like that had happened. Drea and Paul had been around one another other times when they were drunk, so why was that time so different? And how does one go from comforting someone to fucking them?

Drea had said it was an accident, a mistake. I didn’t understand how it was possible to make that kind of a mistake. A kiss – maybe I could understand that. But sex was completely different. Didn’t they at some point realize what they were doing and with who? Wouldn’t that be enough to wake them up?

I wondered if maybe they had had feelings for each other all along. I had felt so confident about it because I knew that Drea knew how I felt about Paul, and I thought that that was enough for her to know that he was off limits. Apparently that wasn’t the case. And the fact that they slept together after Paul and I had started dating only hurt that much more.

Despite Drea and Paul’s serious lack of good judgment, I ultimately blamed Earl Hagley. He was the one who had ruined everything in my life. He stole my innocence and took my sense of safety away. He left me scarred for life, inside and out. It was because of what he did to me that I closed myself off from the rest of the world. After he raped me, I couldn’t stand for people to even look at me for months because I felt so dirty.

Even after I was raped and nearly died, Paul still came to see me though. He told me that he still wanted to be with me – that he didn’t care about the scars because I was still beautiful in his eyes. But I pushed him away because I couldn’t stand for him to even look at me. He knew what happened to me. Maybe he didn’t know all of the gory details, but he knew enough and that was mortifying to me.

I was in the hospital for nearly a month. The doctors lost track of how many stitches it took to sew me up after they reached eighty. I couldn’t even stand to see myself naked anymore. Not that I had ever been particularly proud of my body before, but now every time I looked at myself without a shirt on, I was reminded of being stabbed repeatedly because my stomach was covered with scars.

That was why I never changed in front of Shalee. I was so afraid that she would see. Then she would ask, and I didn’t know what I would tell her. Sometimes I wanted to tell her about it though. Ever since the news broadcast, it had been weighing on my mind constantly. The trial would be starting at the beginning of the New Year, and I was the key witness, which meant I had to testify. I couldn’t bear the idea of facing my attacker again in person. It was too horrifying.

That was partially why I kept thinking about Drea. I wanted to talk about what happened to me, and Drea was the person I wanted to talk to, but I couldn’t trust her anymore. She had betrayed me. She had hurt me so badly. I was already too fragile first because of the attack and then because of Paul’s death, and then finding out my best friend had slept with the man I loved and was carrying his child was just like salt to the wound.

Thankfully, I had school to keep my mind off of things. But then the realization hit me that I needed to get my ass to the mall and start buying presents for my family. Shalee, who was in the same boat as me as far gifts went, decided that we just needed to make a weekend of it and get all of our shopping done. So the weekend before Christmas break, Shalee and I both woke up early, which was quite the challenge for her, and hit the mall.

Despite the fact that I was dreading our shopping adventure, it turned out to be rather pleasant even though it was kind of crowded. Lula and Tibby were probably the easiest people for me to buy for. I knew whatever I got Tibby, she’d end up playing with the box it came in anyway, so she’d be happy with just about anything. I settled for buying her some toy she could push around whenever she decided she was going to start standing up.

I bought Lula a princess Barbie because she loved Barbies. She already had plenty, but she seemed to enjoy them, so I got it for her anyway. I also bought her a Polly Pocket play set. I knew that Emmy would probably be mad at me because it came with a bunch of small parts, but I didn’t particularly care. It was my rebellion against being called Spaz for so many years.

I also got Lula and Tibby Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and Bambi. I passed by the movie Fantasia and shuddered when I saw it. Shalee looked at me with interest, and I quickly explained to her that the movie scared me when I was little. My music teacher showed it to my class when I was in first grade, and it made me cry. I had no idea why, but thankfully, my music class was at the end of the day right before we got out of school, so I didn’t start crying until I got out to my aunt Mia’s car.

Shalee told me that I was weird, so I quickly shut up and went back to shopping. For Emmy I bought her a bottle of Britney Spears’ Curious. I didn’t like Britney Spears, but the perfume smelled nice, and Emmy had mentioned liking it once before. I also got her a leather bound palm pilot and cell phone holder. The last time I had talked to Harris he told me that he had bought her a new palm pilot, so I thought that that would be a nice gift in addition to Harris’. I just had to make sure that she didn’t open it until Harris gave her his gift.

Harris was another easy person to shop for. I bought him several art books. I knew how much he enjoyed not only drawing but also looking at it, so I figured that he would like those, but just to be on the safe side, I bought him several t-shirts with funny sayings on them. The cool thing about Harris was that even though he was twenty-five and a responsible adult, he still dressed like people my age. Emmy didn’t always like it, but he also cleaned up pretty nice from time to time.

I found a great book about fashion design that I thought Fleur would enjoy. Though I think I bought it in hopes of looking at it myself at some point. I also bought her a bottle of Clinique Happy. That was the type of perfume she always wore, and I figured that I couldn’t go wrong with that. Shopping for Fleur was still hard even though she and my dad had been married for almost four years.

My dad was the hardest one to shop for. He always was, so I just got him a gift certificate so he could find something for himself. As for Shalee, Zac, and Danny, I really wasn’t sure what to get them either. And I really wasn’t sure if I should buy gifts for Taylor, Isaac, and Natalie either. I did buy a cute outfit for Ellie and a train set for Ezra though, but kids always seemed to be the easiest ones to shop for.

While I was in the bookstore I came across the perfect gift for Trey. It was The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated and Politically Incorrect Jokes: The Ultimate Collection of X-Rated Gags. When Shalee saw it, she rolled her eyes and said, “Great, that’s just what he needs.”

Finding a gift for Shalee was hard not only because I wasn’t sure what to get her, but she was with me most of the time, and I didn’t want her to know what I was getting her. However, I did find a really beautiful music box with dolphins and other sea creatures. Shalee mentioned before that she collected music boxes, so I thought it would be perfect for her. But when she saw the box in my hand, I told her it was for Emmy.

When Shalee and I stepped into Hot Topic, we seemed to both hit the jackpot for the gifts for Zac and Danny. I bought Zac and Danny a couple of shirts each and for good measure, I picked out one for Trey as well while Shalee just grabbed several shirts she found amusing. She said she didn’t know who she was going to give them to, but she’d figure it out later.

I decided to buy Taylor Coheed and Cambria’s newest CD after I had Shalee call Natalie to ask her if he had it yet. It was relief that he didn’t because I had no idea what to buy him otherwise. I was at complete loss when it came to Isaac, so I just bought him a gift card as well.

After a great deal of debate, I wound up finding a couple of blouses for Natalie, and I also got one for Shalee, but I told her it was for Emmy as well. I still hadn’t bought anything for Drea, and I wasn’t really sure if I should.

While I was debating over the issue of Drea, Shalee looked around Old Navy and picked out a few things for her brothers and for Ezra and Ellie. She then snuck up behind me as I waited by the exit.

“Hey, whatcha doin’?” Shalee asked curiously.

I shrugged. “Just thinking.”

“Care to share?” she asked.

I sighed. Did I? Was I ready to tell her about the situation with Drea? I had thought about it several times, but I didn’t even know where to begin. I was also partly afraid she might ask why Paul and I weren’t officially together if I loved him so much. I knew I wasn’t ready to tell her about being raped, but after only a moment’s hesitation, I decided I was going to tell her about Drea.

“I can’t decide if I should get something for Drea or not,” I finally answered.

“Why wouldn’t you get something for her? She’s your best friend, right?”

“Well … she was,” I sighed. When Shalee looked at me with confusion, I went on. “On Thanksgiving she told me that she was pregnant. With Paul’s baby.”

Shalee eyes grew wide. “What? I thought you and Paul … were like … kind of together or something.”

“We were,” I replied softly.

“How far along is she?” Shalee asked.

“About six months or so,” I replied. “They slept together after our high school graduation.”

“Whoa … that is … wow … really bad,” Shalee said, shaking her head. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” she asked.

“I just didn’t want to talk about it,” I shrugged. “I was just trying to … sort out my feelings, I guess.”

“You don’t want to talk about a lot of things,” Shalee commented. I glanced at her, but her expression was normal. It seemed to be more of a statement than an accusation, but I felt bad because I knew she was right.

“I’m trying to work on that,” I said after a moment’s pause.

“Well, you know I’m here if you want to talk,” she smiled.

“Thanks,” I replied with a small smile.

“As for the issue of Drea, I wouldn’t buy her a damn thing,” Shalee said.

“Well, that was kind of my thoughts too, but I don’t want to have that awkward moment at Christmas where we’re exchanging gifts, and I didn’t get her anything,” I sighed. “I don’t know why I even care after what she did …”

“Because she’s still part of your family, and you love her even though she hurt you,” Shalee said as she wrapped her arm around my shoulders. “So how about you get her something simple? Nothing too personal. That way you can avoid the awkwardness, but she’ll still know that she’s not forgiven.”

“Okay,” I nodded with a soft smile. “Sounds good.”

In the end I bought Drea a hat and a new purse, and then Shalee and I called it a day with shopping. We went out for something to eat before we returned to the dorms and spent the better part of the night wrapping presents.

The last day of the semester after Shalee, Danny, and I were finished with our exams, we decided to have our own little gift exchange. I was planning to leave as soon as it was over, and Shalee and Danny were both leaving the next morning to go home, so we wouldn’t have a chance to see each other again before Christmas, so we invited Zac, Trey, Natalie, Taylor, Isaac, and the kids to come to the dorms, but after a careful a bit of thought, we realized it would make more sense for us all to just go to Natalie and Taylor’s for our gift exchange.

Once we all arrived, we started opening presents. Everyone seemed to like the gifts I got for them, and the gifts I received in return were great. Taylor and Natalie got me a scarf with matching gloves, as they had bought for everyone. I also got Ben Kweller’s CD On My Own from them, but Natalie told me that if I didn’t like it, I should blame Taylor since he was the one obsessed with the guy. I laughed and told her I’d give it a listen and get back to her on it.

Zac bought me a new sketchbook and a set of colored pencils, which I desperately needed. He also gave me a brand new copy of Underneath and This Time Around while Isaac and Danny both gave me gift cards for the mall.

Trey’s gift was by far the funniest. It was a big box with a lock that he called the ‘Shalee Reed Survival Pack.’ Inside the box I found ear plugs, a sleeping mask – so I wouldn’t see more than I needed to if Danny was over, a Do Not Disturb sign for the door, a small jug of laundry soap – because Trey explained that I never knew what went on in the dorm while I was gone, so I’d probably want to wash my sheets when I came back to the dorms, and a gas card, so that I could fill my car up and get away from Shalee. On top of all that there was several different kinds of snack food. Trey said it was supposed to be my secret stash so that Shalee wouldn’t eat all of the food and make me starve to death. I found it highly amusing while Shalee looked offended and slapped her brother in the back of the head.

“Hey, I know you snore, and you’re loud and obnoxious and you and Danny probably screw like rabbits when Jude’s gone, so someone has to look out for her,” Trey laughed.

“Trey!” Shalee shrieked. “You are just awful. I can’t even believe that we’re related.”

“I can. You’re both loud and obnoxious,” Zac mused.

“Watch it, or I’ll keep your present,” Shalee warned.

Zac stuck his tongue out at her and we went back to opening presents. My gifts from Shalee were also amusing. She gave me both of Hanson’s videos Tulsa, Tokyo, and the Middle of Nowhere and Road To Albertane. She told me that I wouldn’t be an official Hanson fan until I watched them, which caused Isaac, Taylor, and Zac to groan and look embarrassed. I silently vowed that I would watch them both while I was home for the holidays.

After a little while longer, I decided that I needed to get on the road and head for home. I had drove my car separately to Taylor and Natalie’s and had all of my stuff in the car and ready to go, so after a round hugs and goodbyes Shalee and Zac walked me out to my car, and I was started the journey home.

I was welcomed home by dad and Fleur and spent the first few days of my holiday vacation sleeping in and watching television. I did catch Zac on AIM once and we talked for a little bit, but then he had to leave to go pick up Kate at the airport, so I didn’t figure I’d see him online much after that. He did tell me that he and Kate had patched things up after their Thanksgiving spat, and she was coming to spend the holiday with him.

Dad was busy with work up until Christmas Eve, which was when everyone came to our house to celebrate the holiday. I was a little surprised when Mia arrived alone. I had been expecting Drea to be with her, but I was relieved that she wasn’t there. She explained that Drea was staying over night at Vanessa’s, which was where Mia would be going following our little get together.

She only stayed long enough to say hello to everyone, open her gifts, and sit down for a talk with me out in the three seasons room.

“So, Drea says you won’t talk to her,” Mia commented as we sat in front of the warm fire, sipping on hot chocolate.

“I don’t really have much to say to her,” I replied.

“I’m sure that’s not true,” Mia said.

“Well, a lot of what I want to say is probably better left unspoken,” I sighed.

“Why? Because it might hurt her feelings?”

I shrugged. “I guess.”

“I think you need to talk to her, Jude. I know what she did to you. It was terrible, but …”

“But what? I should get over it? Let it go?” I said, rolling my eyes.

“No, I don’t think you should let it go, but I think if you have things to say to her, then you should say them,” Mia replied. “Don’t hold them in.”

“I already said some really terrible things to her,” I commented. “I didn’t mean everything I said, but pretty close. I just … I don’t know how I’m ever supposed to trust her again. I don’t even know if I can look at her the same way.”

“Then you need to tell her that, Jude,” Mia said.

“I just don’t think I’m ready even face her right now, Mia,” I sighed. “You know I love Drea. I probably always will because she’s always been more like a sister to me than a cousin … but I don’t think she could have chose something worse to do.”

“Jude, I know you’re hurt right now,” Mia said as she reached over and took my hand. “And this was probably just the icing on the cake after the year you’ve had. I just want you to think about things. Drea did something terrible, but she’s my daughter and I love her just as much as I love you, and I hate seeing you two at odds. Drea feels terrible for what she did to you. I know that doesn’t make the hurt go away, but I want you to know that.”

I sighed and nodded. “How is she doing?” I asked. “I mean, the pregnancy …”

“The doctor’s say everything is fine,” Mia replied. “I think Drea’s feeling a little overwhelmed though. A baby is a very big responsibility.”

“But she’s still planning on keeping it?” I asked.

“She’s been very adamant about that,” Mia nodded.

“What about you?” I asked. “Do you want her to keep it?”

“That’s not my decision to make,” Mia replied. “I told Drea that I would stand behind her no matter what she decided.”

“That’s good,” I said.

“Yeah,” she sighed. “Well, I should get going. Vanessa’s little ones are probably anxious to open presents, and I imagine they’re waiting on me, but like I said, just think about talking to Drea, okay? I’m not saying you should do it right this minute. Take as much time as you need, but if you think there’s any possibility you can salvage things, do it. The ball is in your court.”

“I’ll think about it,” I nodded as Mia stood. I followed suit and Mia pulled me into a hug.

“I love you, kid,” she said, kissing my forehead before saying goodbye and heading off to tell everyone else goodbye.

I knew that Mia was right. I was the one calling the shots as far as things went with Drea. I took my aunt’s words to heart. I knew she had both mine and Drea’s best interest at heart. I wanted to talk to Drea, but I really just wasn’t ready. I knew that Mia was right when she said that if there were still things I needed to say to Drea, then I needed to say them.

Mia knew me as well as mom, Emmy, and Drea, so I knew she was probably thinking that I was still stewing over my hurt and pain, as I always tended to do. And she was right. I decided that I would talk to Drea when I felt like I was ready. Like Mia said, the ball was in my court, and I was going to take my own sweet time passing it off.