“Thank you, Hope Partlow,” I muttered under my breath as I turned the radio down and fell down across my bed with a huff. I had heard that song constantly over the past few days. When I first heard it, I liked it. Now I hated it. I had half a mind to call up the radio station and tell them to take the song and stick it where the sun doesn’t shine.

Of course I knew I’d never do it. Sure, I’d think about it at length. I’d probably even come up with an elaborate theoretical version of how things would go down, but in the end, I knew it would never happen. I was just that kind of girl. I liked to think about how things could happen or witty things to say if the situation were ever to occur, but I never followed through. Now if it were Shalee or Drea, I knew they’d probably do it. Just call up the radio station and demand that they banish that song from existence.

The thought amused me briefly as I closed my eyes and rested my head against my pillow as I tried to clear my mind. It wasn’t much use though. Since New Years, my mind had been on overload. The kiss that Zac and I had shared was mind-blowing, but it ended just as quickly as it begun and neither Zac nor I seemed to know what to say or do, so between the two of us we muttered out some sort of excuse to go and fled to the refuge of the house.

The rest of the night wore on with a blur. As everyone danced and sang and had a good time, I sat in the corner trying to collect my thoughts. People passed by, speaking occasionally, but now I couldn’t even remember who I had spoke to or what they had said. Sometime after three in the morning, Shalee and Danny decided they were ready to go. I didn’t even see Zac before we left, but I wasn’t too disappointed because I wasn’t really sure what I would say to him anyhow.

Shalee was pretty tipsy when we left, and she was more than a little obnoxious during the drive home. Thankfully, she handed her keys over to Danny without any argument though, so while he was driving, she was busy rambling on and on.

At one point she turned around in the front seat to look at me and smiled, drunkenly. “Hey Jude, where were you at midnight?” she asked. “I didn’t see you.”

“I was outside talking to Zac,” I replied quietly.

“Ohhh …” she giggled. Her face was red and her eyes were glassy. Her long hair was a mess, and I thought sure she would have to spend at least a week getting the knots out of it. “Did he kiss you at midnight? I bet he did,” she laughed. “Zac and Jude sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g!” she sang.

“Shalee, shut up,” I finally said, rolling my eyes as I rubbed my temples. I was in no mood to deal with her in her drunken state, and it really didn’t help that she had been spot on about what had occurred outside. Though I knew she was just joking, the reality of it – as least for me – was no laughing matter.

“No need to be a grumpy pants,” Shalee pouted.

I sighed. “Shal, you need to turn around in your seat,” I commented nicely.

She shrugged and turned around without any argument and promptly passed out.

“Sorry, she’s even louder and more obnoxious after she’s been drinking,” Danny commented. “It’s probably a good thing she doesn’t drink often.”

“Yeah, probably,” I agreed.

When we returned to the dorms, Danny and I had to help Shalee into the building and to our room. She could barely stand, and Danny said he would have carried her inside himself, but he thought it would draw too much attention, so we stood on either side of her to help her into the building.

We were careful to avoid the RA on our floor, and once we got to the room, Shalee passed out on her bed, and Danny crawled into bed with her. I laid down and tried to sleep, but sleep didn’t seem to want to come. The whole evening seemed surreal.

It had all started off normal enough with hanging out with friends and having a good time. Even sitting in the backyard with Zac had felt normal. But sometime between when he came outside to sit with me and the stroke of midnight things had changed. One minute we were joking around and enjoying each other’s company and the next we were kissing.

After about an hour of just lying there trying to sort it all out, I decided to take a sleeping pill. Dr. Wisely gave me a prescription for them the last time I saw her, and she told me to take one when I had trouble sleeping. The only other time I had taken one since she gave them to me was when Paul died.

I didn’t wake up until late in the afternoon because of the pill, but neither did Shalee. She was a little hungover, and we both felt like crap, so Danny went out and got pizza for us and we hung out in the dorm all day and laid in bed.

It was a perfect way to spend the first day of the New Year. Tired, confused, and on the verge of a mental breakdown.

It was the story of my life.

I didn’t tell Shalee about kissing Zac because I didn’t know how she would react. I didn’t even know what I thought about it. But after a few days and neither of us had heard from Zac, I had started to grow a little worried. I was so afraid he was angry with me. After all, I was the one who had initiated the kiss. I hadn’t meant for it to be anything serious. It was supposed to be an innocent peck on the lips, but, obviously, that didn’t work out right at all.

I couldn’t deny that kissing Zac had been nice even though it was quite unexpected. I didn’t have a lot of experience in kissing, considering the only other guy I had ever kissed was Paul, but Zac seemed to be good at it. Of course, with lips like his it would be wrong for him not to be. Or at least that was what Drea had told me after she met him for the first time.

I was a bit surprised by the fact that I didn’t mind kissing Zac all that much. I had never really thought that much about Zac in that way. Of course it would be a lie if I tried to deny that he was attractive. But even though I was subconsciously aware of his good looks and my possible attraction to him, the idea of kissing him or anything that involve anything beyond friendship had never crossed my mind.

I’d always said that I wanted to have one of those kisses where it seemed purely magical, and it was so amazing that the rest of the world just seemed to cease to exist. I had that with Paul once – the night of our last date before I was attacked. Every other time we went out, it had ended with a small peck on the lips and a quick hug when he walked me to the door, but after our third date, he held me in his arms and kissed me and it felt so right. It was perfect.

After Paul died, I thought I’d never have that again because I was so sure that he was the only person who could make me feel that way. So when I felt that again, I felt a sense of elation, knowing that it was possible to have that feeling once again. However, I was a little floored by the fact that the person who made me feel it was Zac.

But even through my surprise, the idea of kissing Zac wasn’t terrible by any means. I just was concerned with how it would affect our friendship and also his relationship with Kate. The last thing I wanted to do was cause him any problems. I knew he loved Kate, but I couldn’t help but wonder why he had pulled me back into the kiss.

I also couldn’t help but wonder why I wasn’t bothered by it. Sure, it was great knowing that it was possible for me to feel something for another person and not end up pining my life away wishing I could be with Paul, but I felt like I should have felt guiltier than what I did. My heart still belonged to Paul even though he was dead. I wondered if maybe it was because I still felt a lot of anger toward him that I didn’t feel guilty about kissing another guy.

The whole situation just felt weird to me. In the past I had been attracted to other guys even though I cared about Paul, but I had never acted on that attraction, so I couldn’t help but wonder why it was so different with Zac. Maybe it was just because I didn’t have a lot of male friends. Before college, the only friends I had that were of the opposite sex were Paul, Harris, and any guy Drea happened to date for an extended amount of time.

So from that point of view I guess it only seemed natural that after such little contact with the male species, I would end up finding myself being drawn to Zac. After all it was hard not to be drawn to him. He just seemed like the type of person who people gravitated toward. It was hard not to like him. Not only was he good looking, he had a wonderful personality. He was kind, caring, and funny. He was everything a girl could wish for in a friend - and possibly a lover. Not that I had thought about him in that way.

It was so confusing. All I could really hope for though was that I would see Zac again soon so that we could talk. It was hard for me to make new friends – male or female, but Zac had become my friend so easily, and even without acknowledging it, I could feel myself slowly beginning to trust him. I knew I tended to keep people at bay, but sometimes the idea of letting him – and Shalee – in wasn’t quite as terrifying as I once thought it to be.

As I was lying there on the bed trying to sort out my thoughts, the phone rang. I sighed and rolled over to my other side and grabbed the phone. “Hello?” I replied dully.

“Jude …”

As soon as I heard Drea’s voice, I sighed and rolled my eyes. “What?” I snapped, immediately growing annoyed. I already had a headache. I didn’t need any extra drama from her to add to it.

“I just wanted to call … to see if you got your Christmas present,” she said slowly and quietly. The idea of Drea being quiet was almost absurd, but it was true. Her voice seemed so soft and insecure. She almost sounded like I usually did. It was almost like a role reversal.

“Yeah, I got it,” I replied, my tone softer and less agitated this time.

“Oh, okay …” she trailed.

There was a pause, as neither of us knew what to say next. I knew she was waiting for me to reply – probably hoping that I was willing to talk to her. For a split second I considered it. I wanted to tell her about kissing Zac and how magical it felt. I wanted her take on what happened. She had so much more experience with guys. I knew she would know how to handle the situation, but just as quickly as those thoughts flashed through my head, they were gone. I remembered that I was still angry with her. I remembered how she had hurt me, and I didn’t feel like telling her anything anymore.

But even through my anger, my heart ached. It hurt not talking to her. It had been over a month since she told me the news of her pregnancy, and while I had busied myself with other things and my new friends, I couldn’t deny that I missed Drea. How could I not? We grew up together. I had seen her or talked to her nearly every day of my life. She was my friend. She was my family. She was one of the few constants in my life, and to go from having her there to lean on to not speaking to her at all was a bit of a shock to my psyche.

My soul ached at the thought of what had become of us. All of our lives we said that we would never fight over a guy, but here we were – doing just that. The situation wasn’t quite as elementary as it could have been though. Part of me wished it were as simple as us both liking the same guy and him liking her instead of me. That I could handle. But this was a whole other ballpark. Paul loved me, and I loved him. Drea knew that, but in their drunken state, they threw that all away.

I couldn’t say that I blamed one of them more than the other because it would have been wrong to feel that way. They had both been equally to blame and equally stupid, but as I had realized once before, Drea was the only one taking the brunt of the consequences. Part of me felt sorry for her, but as soon as I felt that, I shook it off. After all, I had no doubt that had she not become pregnant, I probably never would have known about their little escapade together. They would have just left me the dark and went about business as usual, and I would have been none the wiser.

“Was that all you wanted?” I finally asked, my tone was icy and agitated yet again.

“Yeah,” she replied.

“Okay,” I said before I hung up the phone. I rolled back over in my bed and stared up at the ceiling. I felt a little guilty about being so cold to her. After all, I had just kissed a guy that was engaged to be married, so I suppose I should have felt a little more sympathetic. But I really wasn’t feeling all that understanding.

I justified myself in saying that at least I hadn’t had sex with Zac. And Kate wasn’t my best friend either, so I wasn’t betraying her trust. If anything, I’d finally gave her a real reason to actually dislike me instead of just disliking me because I was Shalee’s friend and roommate. I knew that didn’t make kissing Zac okay, but I didn’t feel like it was nearly as bad as what Drea had done to me.

I jumped when I heard a knock at the door a few minutes later. I groaned and pulled myself off of the bed. I was feeling so lazy. I didn’t even want to get up and walk to the door to answer it, but I did it anyway. I walked over and pulled the door open with a yawn, but I immediately straightened up when I saw that it was Zac on the other side.

My first thought was that he looked gorgeous, per usual, and my second thought was that I looked like complete and utter crap. Classes hadn’t started yet, so I had no reason to get out of bed or get cleaned up, so I was still wearing my raggedy old pajamas and my hair was pulled back in a messy ponytail. I was sure it looked like a bird had built a nest on top of my head, but I consoled myself by knowing that at least I had brushed my teeth.

“Hey,” I said.

“Hey,” Zac replied, pushing his hands deep into his pockets as he stood outside the door.

“Come in,” I said, motioning with my hand and stepping out of the way for him to enter. He stepped into the room and turned around to look at me as I closed the door behind him.

“So, how have you been? Shalee and I were beginning to worry that you’d fallen off the face of the earth,” I commented lightheartedly as I wrung my hands nervously.

Zac turned to me and smiled softly. “Nah, just been feeling a bit like a chicken,” he shrugged.

“Why’s that?” I asked.

“Well, I wasn’t exactly sure what I was going to say to you the next time I saw you,” Zac answered honestly.

“Yeah, well, I had the same problem,” I sighed, biting my lip. The atmosphere of the room seemed so different from usual. Normally things felt so comfortable. I had always felt so at ease around Zac, but now the situation had changed. The air felt so thick with uncertainty that I was sure I could have cut through it with a knife.

“I’m sorry, Zac,” I finally said, hoping that that would be enough to clear the thickness of the room – even just a little bit.

“Sorry?” he replied with a frown. “For what?”

I sighed. Of course he couldn’t make it easy. The last thing I wanted to do was actually say it out loud. It was as if actually voicing the fact that I – no – we had kissed actually made it real, and part of me had been hoping that maybe I had imagined the whole thing. Maybe I, like Shalee, had had too much eggnog and gone off the rocker. It wouldn’t have been the first time I had been a little delusional. I wasn’t exactly of stable mind after being attacked. Perhaps I was just having another lapse from reality. I knew that that was a joke though. It had all been real. I just didn’t want to actually have to say it.

I took a deep breath. “I didn’t mean to … I mean, I didn’t mean anything by it. It was just supposed to be a little peck …” I rambled as I studied the worn toe of my right sock, feeling even more self-conscience about my appearance. Even my socks were ugly, and I couldn’t even form a whole sentence. What was this guy doing to me?

“Jude,” Zac interrupted. I looked up at him and he smiled softly. “I know. It’s my fault. I was the one who … pulled you back into that kiss. I don’t blame you – at all.”

“You don’t?” I asked, frowning uncertainly.

“Not at all,” he replied. “And I’m sorry if you thought that. I don’t know what I was thinking. It was stupid and it was wrong. I didn’t mean to confuse you or upset you.”

“I’m not upset,” I said quickly. “Not really. I was just worried. I didn’t want to make things weird between us.”

“Well, if anyone made things weird, it was me,” Zac sighed. “I’m sorry.”

“No, don’t be,” I said. “I kissed you back, so we’re both to blame.”

“So, where does that leave us?” he asked.

“I dunno,” I shrugged. “Can we just … forget about it?” I asked after a moment.

“Is that what you want?” Zac asked.

I thought for a moment. I wasn’t really sure about anything at the moment, but even though I didn’t know exactly what I wanted, I knew what needed to be done, so I answered the way I thought I should.

“Of course, I just want to be your friend,” I said. “The last thing I want is to ruin things between you and Kate. I know it’s hard enough for both of you as it is with the long distance and the tension between Shalee and Kate. I don’t want to be another complication.”

“You’re not, Jude,” Zac said as he stepped forward. For a moment he looked like he was going to hug me, but he stopped short. The air was slowly beginning to thin out, but the awkwardness was still there, lying just below the surface. So instead of pulling me into a hug, he said, “You’re my friend, and I care about you. I just got carried away. I’m sorry. I don’t want to mess our friendship up either.”

“That’s a relief,” I sighed. “I’ve been worried for the past four days that you’d never want to speak to me again.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Zac laughed as he playfully pushed my shoulder and looked down at me with a smile. “I’m just now getting to see your silly side, and I quite like it. I don’t want to miss out on that.”

“Even if I am poking fun at you and your brothers?” I asked with a smirk.

“Even if you’re poking fun at me. I don’t care much if you make fun of my brothers though,” Zac nodded with a grin. “Besides, maybe someday I’ll get some dirt on you and have something to make fun of you for.”

I raised an eyebrow and shrugged while trying to bite back a grin. “Maybe.”

And just like that the air in the room seemed to return to normal, and I felt a rush of relief at knowing that things were okay between Zac and myself.

But as soon as the relief came, I had an unexpected feeling of disappointment. I smiled at Zac as he sat down on Shalee’s bed and reached over to turn up the radio. When he heard a commercial playing, he changed the station. I sat down on the bed, and I sighed when I heard Hope Partlow playing again on another station.

I couldn’t say if it was because of my dislike for the song or if it was fact that the words were actually the truth, but I felt a nagging deep in my chest. That kiss. I had wanted it to last. And it had felt so right. And a tiny voice in the back of my head kept saying that it was too bad that Zac was in love with Kate. It was too bad that things weren’t different. If it were another time, another place, it might have all been different. But things weren’t different. He was in love with Kate. He was going to marry her and probably have a ton of children and live happily ever after.

And I was left feeling confused and guilty while wishing that things were different because if they were different, I could kiss him again. And I could feel that rush of magic all over again. But knowing that that would never happen again made me feel sad and jealous, and overall, I felt sick inside knowing that I was pining for someone else’s boyfriend.