When Shalee and I returned to the dorm on Sunday night, I was a converted Keith Urban fan. The concert had been great, and not only was he eye candy, he also had some good songs – considering it was country music, of course. The whole ride back to the dorm we listened to his CDs, and it surprised me to discover that I knew most of the words by the time we reached Tulsa.

Shalee was beside herself with joy after the concert. They had allowed cameras into the venue, and, luckily, I had brought along my digital camera and got some really good shots during the concert. As soon as we got back to the dorms and got our things up to our room, Shalee was ready to go to Kinko’s to get copies of the pictures.

She asked me if I wanted to come along, but I was feeling tired, so I told her to go on without me. As soon as she left, I started working on unpacking my things while humming absently to myself. I couldn’t get over how much good getting away for the weekend had done for Shalee and I. Before we left, we were both rather depressing to be around, but Shalee was back to her old self, and I was feeling better than I had in a couple of weeks.

However, the good mood came screeching to a halt a few days later. Shalee and I returned to class and things were going fine. Shalee even packed up all of Danny’s things and took them up to his room. She had faced him and not even shed a single tear. And that seemed to be Shalee’s closing in the chapter of Danny. She even mentioned thinking about asking this cute guy in our sociology class out. He had been flirting with her shamelessly since the beginning of the semester, but Shalee had ignored his advances because of Danny. But she said that now that she didn’t have anyone holding her back, she just might take the plunge and go for him.

While Shalee was busy preparing to jump back into the dating game, I was busy staying focused on my classes. I knew that the next week would be a hard one because I was due to testify in court, so I was trying to stay on top of things. I had to ask one of my professors if I could take an exam early, and I had a couple of papers that I needed to turn in early in order to get credit for them.

When Shalee asked why I was going to be gone the following Monday and Tuesday, I explained to her that it was a family thing. She didn’t ask too many questions, but I could tell she was curious. I felt kind of bad about being so mysterious about it, but I really didn’t want to have to rehash the memories of my attack an extra time on top of everything else.

However, on Thursday evening I had an unexpected visitor. Shalee had decided to try out the free yoga class they were offering on campus. She had tried to get me to join her, but I had some things I needed to finish up and turn in the next day, so I told her I’d have to join her another time. Just as I was finishing my sociology paper, there was a knock at the door.

I jumped at the sound, but shook my head with a laugh as I stood to answer it. I stretched my arms as I walked to the door. I then opened the door, but as soon as I saw who was on the other side of the door, I wanted to slam the door shut, but despite my desire to do so, I couldn’t follow through.

“Hey,” Zac said.

“Hi,” I replied. “Shalee’s at yoga.”

“Good, I wanted to talk to you,” Zac replied.

“Why?” I asked incredulously.

“Could you at least let me in?” Zac asked.

I sighed and rolled my eyes. “Fine,” I said as I pulled the door open the rest of the way and motioned for him to come inside. I didn’t know why, but seeing him made me angry. I had been in such a good mood, and then he had to show up out of the blue and make that good mood disappear.

I didn’t know what it was about seeing him that made me feel that way though. It wasn’t as if he had done anything to make me angry. Perhaps it was just the fact that it hurt too much to see him and feel the way I did about him and know that I couldn’t have him. Or maybe it was just the fact that I was feeling so overwhelmed with everything that had happened in the past week on top of what I had to face the next week.

I shut the door and turned around to face Zac. He sat down on Shalee’s bed and I sat down on my own. “How have you been?” he asked.

“Alright, I guess,” I replied with a shrug. “You?”

“Not so good,” he replied.

“How come?” I asked.

“I don’t even know where to begin,” he laughed bitterly. “I’ve done a lot of thinking since the last time we talked.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah,” he sighed. “And you were right. What we were doing was wrong. What I was doing to Kate. What I was asking you to do … what I was doing to myself. It was all wrong.”

“Yeah, it was,” I nodded in agreement.

“So, I did a lot of thinking,” he said. “And you were right – I can’t have it both ways.”

“I’m glad you agree,” I replied as I watched him struggle to find words. It seemed so odd to see Zac that way. Normally, he was so at ease with everything. He never seemed to have any problems expressing himself. I was usually the one who had no idea what to say, so seeing it the other way around was awkward.

“Yeah … so I went out to Georgia this past weekend,” he sighed. “Kate and I had a long talk. Probably one that we should have had a long time ago. She really didn’t understand half of what I was talking about … I’m surprised I knew what I was even talking about …”

“Do you have a point?” I asked after a moment. I knew I sounded insensitive because he was obviously trying to tell me something, but I really didn’t want to hear about what he and Kate had discussed.

“I’m getting there,” he replied, nodding his head. “I told Kate that I couldn’t do it. I can’t get married,” he confessed. “Needless to say, she was upset … very upset, but I had to do it, so Kate and I … we’re history.”

I stared blankly at Zac for a moment, wondering if I had heard him correctly. My first instinct was to jump for joy, but the next instinct was to slap him upside the head. “What the hell are you thinking?” I asked in disbelief.

“Well, that wasn’t the reaction I was hoping for,” Zac replied, looking bewildered. “What do you mean what was I thinking?”

“You love Kate!” I exclaimed, standing up. “Why would you break things off with her?”

“Kate is a great girl, and she’s going to make a great wife … for someone else. I just don’t … love her. I mean, at least not like I thought I did,” he replied, standing as well. “What are you so upset about? I thought you’d be happy!”

“Happy? Why would you screwing up your life make me happy?” I replied.

“What do you mean?” he replied. “How am I screwing up my life?”

“You love Kate. You’re just … confused,” I replied. “That thing with you and me – it never should have happened. It was all wrong.”

“But it wasn’t,” Zac replied. “Nothing ever felt so right.”

“Cheating on your fiancée felt right?” I exclaimed.

“No, but being with you felt right!” Zac replied. “Why are you so upset?”

“Because I don’t want you to throw away what you have with Kate because you think you have feelings for me,” I answered.

“What do you mean think?” Zac exclaimed. “I do have feelings for you, Jude! I love you!”

“Oh my god,” I cried. “Don’t even say that to me,” I replied.

“But I do!” Zac cried. “I love you, Jude!”

“No, you don’t!” I yelled. “You don’t even know me, Zac!” I cried. As much as I wanted to believe Zac meant what he said, I knew it couldn’t be true. How could he love me? He had no idea about a big chunk of my life. Granted, it was because I wouldn’t tell him, but what would he think if he knew what had happened to me? He’d probably be just like everyone else and look at me and say ‘poor Jude’ and feel sorry for me. I didn’t want that. I didn’t need his sympathy. I had enough of that.

“What do you mean I don’t know you?” Zac replied. “I know that being with you makes me happy! I know I care about you, and whenever you're around, there's a connection between me and you and now I kinda feel lost because you’re telling me I don’t know how I feel.”

“You should feel lost because you’re obviously very confused,” I replied, shaking my head as I paced the floor. “Why should I even trust you?” I continued. “You cheated on Kate with me. We were sneaking around behind her back and you supposedly loved her. What if a few years down the road you decide that asking me to marry you is ‘the next logical step,’ and then you meet someone else and you decide that they make you happier than I do?” I questioned.

“Jude, that’s not fair,” Zac said, looking hurt by my words.

“Newsflash – life isn’t fucking fair,” I spat, angrily. “You have no idea just how unfair it can be.”

“Why are you being like this?” Zac questioned. “I thought you cared about me too.”

“I do,” I cried. “But I can’t be with someone I can’t trust.”

“But I’m not that kind of guy,” Zac exclaimed. “I have never done anything like this before – ever!”

“That still doesn’t mean you won’t do it again,” I commented, crossing my arms across my chest as I felt tears burn my eyes. I felt terrible for the way I was treating Zac, but I couldn’t let it go. I had already been hurt so many times before. I didn’t think I could handle being hurt again.

I wanted to yell at Zac and tell him that I didn’t need him to drop something like this on me on top of everything else. The trial had my nerves shot as it was. I didn’t need him to come around and tell me that he wanted to be with me right now. I knew I wasn’t stable enough to handle a real relationship. I couldn’t even tell him about what happened to me. How could I be with someone I couldn’t talk to?

“I won’t do that to you because I love you!” he exclaimed. “And I thought maybe you loved me too. And you said that we couldn’t be together as long as there was another woman in my life, so I took care of that. Kate is out of my life because I want to be with you,” he shouted. “What more do you want from me?”

“I don’t want anything from you,” I said, trying to keep my voice steady as I held back my tears. “Please leave,” I whispered.

Zac looked at me in disbelief and shook his head. “You’re right,” he finally said. “I don’t know you at all.”

He walked over to the door and gave me one last fleeting look before he shook his head and walked out of the room, slamming the door behind him. As soon as he was gone, my tears spilled over and I fell down on my bed, crying as I asked myself what in the world was wrong with me.

Why I had acted that way? Zac gave me what I wanted. Granted, I hadn’t meant for him to leave Kate. I just meant that we couldn’t be together because he was in a committed relationship. It wasn’t an ultimatum meaning we’d get together if Kate were out of the picture. I thought he knew that.

My behavior even confused me. The truth was that I wanted to be with Zac, but I didn’t want to see him throw away his life with Kate because he thought he wanted to be with me. He didn’t know me well enough to love me, and it was possible that if he did get to know me well enough, he might not feel the same way about me.

After all, he only knew the abridged version of my life – just the things I wanted him to know. And as much as I wanted to let him in, the walls I had built up around me in the past year were so thick, I wasn’t sure I could let them down.

I really hoped that maybe Zac would listen to what I had said and fix things with Kate. Even if she and Shalee didn’t get along, and Kate didn’t like me that much, Zac had fell in love with her for a reason. I was just a distraction, and maybe if I was out of the way, he could see how wrong he was. Then he could go back to Kate and work things out.

At least that way one of us could be happy.