I was grateful that the day after my encounter with Zac was a Friday. As soon as I finished class and took my test for the class I’d be missing Monday, I returned to the dorm and packed up my things and left. I was going to wait around for Shalee, but she told me that she and Andy – the cute guy from our sociology class – were going out for coffee after class, and I didn’t feel like sticking around. I had no idea when she’d be back, and I wasn’t really in the best of moods, so I left without saying goodbye.

Most of the drive home was a fog. I was still upset about seeing Zac. I hadn’t been able to sleep the night before because I felt so terrible because of the way I had acted. While I kept telling myself that it was for the best, it did little ease the ache in my heart. Zac gave up his relationship with Kate for me. He said that he loved me. A week earlier I probably would have been shouting from the rooftops after hearing those words, but now I just felt confused.

I wanted to believe that he meant what he said, but there was still so much about me that he didn’t know. Would his feelings change if he knew about the things that had happened to me? Would he think I was weird or just feel sorry for me if he knew? These thoughts plagued my mind as I drove, and I was happy when I finally reached the refuge of my home.

I pulled into the driveway and let myself inside. Dad and Fleur were still at work, so I locked the door behind me and went upstairs and unpacked my bags before I took a nap. When I woke up, I still felt exhausted, but I forced myself out of bed.

My dad and Fleur had arrived home while I was asleep, so I went down to see them, and we ordered a pizza. We didn’t do too much talking because dad and Fleur were both working on things from work as they ate. I wasn’t sure, but I thought dad was trying to ignore what was coming up, or maybe he just didn’t know what to say to me. Either way, dinner was almost painfully quiet, so when I was finished eating, I went back up to my room.

I sat in the window seat and held Lily and petted her as she purred happily as I tried to sort out my thoughts. Pansy curled up at my feet and kept nudging me to pet her, so finally I reached down and petted her for a moment before I patted her on the head and sat back again.

It wasn’t of much use though. Nothing seemed to make any sense, and I just felt tired and confused. I sat at the window for a while, feeling blank as I looked up at the shining stars. Finally my eyes began to grow heavy, so I pushed Lily and Pansy off of my lap and crawled back into bed before nine o’clock.

The next day Fleur and I went shopping. I had to find something nice to wear to court. I had already decided that my hair looked nice enough as it was, but I didn’t have any clothes that I thought would be appropriate to wear to testify. However, Fleur and I found a nice suit blazer, blouse, and skirt for me to wear while we were out on our shopping excursion, and after we finished shopping, we went out for lunch.

Even with my outfit sorted out, it did little to ease the tension and worry building up in the pit of my stomach. All day Sunday I laid around my room, watching television and trying to ignore what was soon to come, but by Monday I was in pure panic mode. I wasn’t sure I could go through with it anymore. I didn’t think I could stand to face Earl Hagley.

So many worries made their way into my mind. What if I messed up? What if I forgot something? Or what if I said the wrong thing? What kind of questions would the defense lawyer ask me? Mariel Shane told me that they’d try to confuse me, and I didn’t think that that would take much effort.

The trial on top of the fight with Zac had me tore up inside. All I could do was cry, and the only person I could think of who could bring me any sense of comfort was someone I hadn’t spoken to in months. As much as I had tried not to think about Drea, it was impossible. She was my best friend and despite how much she had hurt me, I still loved her.

I wanted to talk to her and spill my thoughts and worries to her, but how could I? I had refused to talk to her since Thanksgiving. Not to mention I had been completely horrible to her every time she tried to talk to me. But after a bit of a thought, I realized that I wasn’t any better than her. What I had done with Zac had been just as bad, if not worse, than what she and Paul had done.

At least she had an excuse. She and Paul had both been drinking and weren’t thinking clearly when they slept together. I had snuck around with Zac for a month, and I had been in my right mind the entire time. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I had continued doing it because of my own selfish wants. How could I continue to condemn Drea for what she had done when she admitted that she had made a terrible mistake?

I knew the answer was that I couldn’t continue doing it. It would make me a hypocrite if I did, so after lying around all day, I finally dragged myself out of bed and didn’t even bother to change out of my pajamas and into some real clothes. Instead I slipped on my shoes and pulled on a coat before grabbing my purse and hurrying down the stairs.

I called out to my dad, telling him that I was going out before I ran out the front door and to my car. I sped over to Drea’s house and parked crookedly out front before I ran up to the front door. I rung the doorbell with a sigh and waited until Mia answered the door.

“Hello stranger,” she smiled.

“Hi,” I replied. “Is she home?” I asked.

“Upstairs,” Mia replied, motioning for me to come inside.

I thanked her and made my way up the staircase and down the hall to Drea’s room. Her door was closed, but I didn’t bother to knock. Instead I turned the knob and stepped inside.

Drea was lying on her bed with a bowl of popcorn resting on her swollen belly. She looked away from the television as she licked her buttery fingertips and stared at me for a moment, looking as if she wasn’t sure if I was really there or not. She blinked as her mouth fell open, but she didn’t say anything.

“Hi,” I finally said as I shut her door behind me.

“Hey,” she said, struggling to sit up as I pulled off my coat and threw it on the floor before I walked around to the other side of her bed. She moved over a bit and I sat down beside her.

I laid my head back against a pillow and sighed. “Drea, I’m an idiot,” I said after a moment.

“Well, welcome to the story of my life,” she replied wryly. “So, why are you an idiot?” she asked.

“I was stupid and selfish and mean,” I sighed. “I treated you like crap.”

“I deserved it,” Drea replied.

“Not from a hypocrite,” I commented.

Drea frowned and looked confused. “What’s going on, Jude?” she asked.

I took a deep breath before I launched into telling her about my actions over the past few months. It seemed odd to be able to jump right back into talking with Drea, but I was grateful for it because I really wasn’t feeling up to dealing with the awkward moments of being at a loss for words. I needed comfort more than anything at the moment, and Drea was able to give me that.

She listened as I told her about the situation with Zac. She looked a little surprised when I told her about what had happened on my birthday, but she didn’t say anything. She listened as I recounted my talk with him on Thursday evening, and it wasn’t until I finished that she finally spoke.

“Why did you tell him to go back to Kate?” she asked.

I sighed and shrugged. “I guess I just got scared,” I replied. “I mean, he doesn’t know about Earl Hagley or anything like that. I wanted to tell him, but I couldn’t. It just hurts, and I’m scared of what he’ll think of me if he knew.”

“What do you mean?” Drea asked. “Why would that make him feel differently about you, Jude? It wasn’t something you did. It was something that was done to you. You shouldn’t be ashamed of what happened.”

“I know,” I cried. “But it’s just … I don’t know. I just got so confused and overwhelmed.”

“Do you love him?” she asked.

I shrugged. “Maybe. I don’t know.”

Drea frowned and looked as if she was waiting for me to say more, but when I didn’t, she sighed and asked, “Did you mean what you said to him about not being able to trust him?”

I shrugged again and Drea gave me a pointed look. “I guess not,” I sighed. “I mean, I don’t really think he’s that kind of guy … I mean, at least I don’t think he’s ever done anything like that before … and neither have I …”

“Well, you care about him, right?” Drea asked.

“Yeah,” I nodded.

“So, I think you need to tell him about what happened to you,” Drea replied. “I mean, I know you don’t like to talk about it, but it’s important for him to know. Shalee too. Zac clearly cares about you and so does Shalee,” she said. “You can’t keep hiding it. Like I said, you have nothing to be ashamed of.”

“I know,” I sighed. “But this just all feels like way too much right now. Sometimes it feels like I’m slowly drowning,” I said. “I don’t even know if I can face him in court on Tuesday. I mean … I have nightmares about him. How can face him if I’m still so scared of him?”

“Maybe if you face him, you won’t be so scared of him,” Drea replied. “I know that it must be hard. I can’t even pretend to imagine how you feel, but they say that the best way to overcome your fears is to face them.”

“That’s true,” I nodded. “I just … I guess I don’t want to face it yet. It’s still so hard. After what he did to me … I mean, just thinking about it is hard enough, but now I have to tell everyone about it.”

“But just think, Jude – after you tell people what happened, they’re going to lock his ass away for the rest of his life,” Drea replied.

I felt tears fill my eyes as I rested my head on Drea’s shoulder. “What if it was my fault?” I whispered.

“What?” Drea exclaimed, sitting up. “Why would you even think that?”

“I didn’t lock the back door that night,” I confessed. “I knew that some psycho was creeping all over town, raping and killing girls,” I sighed. “I might as well have left a note on the door with an invitation for him to come have his way with me.”

“Jude, you can’t think like that,” Drea frowned. “This is in no way your fault,” she said. “Earl Hagley picked his victims. If the door hadn’t been unlocked, he would have found another way into the house.”

“Well, I didn’t have to help him …” I sighed.

“Jude, listen,” Drea said, grasping my arms as she looked me in the eye. “It’s not your fault. No one thinks that.”

She smiled softly as tears slid from my eyes. Drea pulled me into a hug and patted my on the back. “It’s okay, Judy Ju Ju,” she whispered.

“I’ve missed you so much,” I cried as I buried my head into her shoulder. Being back with Drea felt like being found - found but nothing was ever lost. She had been there all along. It was just up to me to bring us back together.

“Life just isn't the same without you in it,” Drea cried as I pulled away. She smiled softly and sighed. “I’m so sorry for hurting you, Jude,” she said.

“I know,” I nodded as I glanced down at her belly. “Look at you,” I said.

Drea looked down at her belly and smiled. “I know. I’m huge. I look like a blimp,” she laughed.

“No, you don’t,” I smiled.

“Yes, I do,” she argued. “But it’s okay. I only have another month to go.”

“Do you know what you’re having?” I asked.

“It’s a boy,” she smiled.

“Got a name picked out?” I asked.

She nodded.

“Are you going to tell me what it is?” I asked.

She shook her head, and I rolled my eyes. “Brat,” I muttered.

“You love me anyway, right?”

I smiled and nodded as I gave her another hug. I sat back against her pillows and sighed. “Drea?” I asked after a while.

“Hmm?” she replied.

“Will you go with me to the courthouse tomorrow?” I asked quietly.

Drea turned to me and nodded with a smile. “Of course I will,” she replied.

“Thank you,” I whispered.