The day of my testimony went better than I expected. Dad, Fleur, Emmy, Mia, and Drea were all there with me as I waited outside the courtroom. However, when we drove up to the courthouse, we had to go around to the back door to avoid the news reporters outside who were covering the trial. Mariel Shane had called the night before to tell us about the back entrance, but dad didn’t tell me about her call until the next day. This only seemed to help increase my anxiety during the drive to the courthouse.

However, once we safely arrived and made it inside without any problems, my anxiety decreased and I was surprisingly calm as I waited to be called to the stand. Even after the bailiff came and got me, I didn't panic. Everyone gave me a hug before I went in, and Drea told me that I would be fine. I went into the courtroom, and the rest of my family followed me inside. At first I hadn't wanted them to be in the courtroom when I testified, but I had changed my mind while I was waiting to be called to the stand. I had kept the events of that night to myself long enough, and as hard as it was to talk about, my family loved me and they deserved to know.

I walked into the courtroom, instantly tensing. I knew he along with everyone else in the courtroom was watching me as I made my way to front of the room to be sworn in. After the bailiff was finished and I stated my name for the record, I glanced over at Earl Hagley with as much coldness as I could muster and took a deep breath as I slowly sat down on the chair and swallowed hard. His face was covered with three-day-old stubble and he slightly paler and thinner than I remembered; the prison was obviously wearing on him. Our eyes met for only a brief moment before I looked away as a chill ran up my spine. His eyes were so cold, and it was almost as if they were filled with some sort of cruel humor.

I often wondered if the memories of the things he had done ever haunted him. For me they were inescapable and unbearable. The memories filled my thoughts and my nightmares. No matter where I turned there always seemed to be some reminder of Earl Hagley, and as much as I wanted to run away and forget about it all, I knew that the only way that could happen was if I finally faced him. Remembering the horror that I'd been through and thinking that he could get away with all of it and do the same thing to someone else was enough to keep me cemented in place.

Besides, how did that old phrase go? What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. Somehow that seemed quite appropriate for my situation. Earl Hagley hadn’t killed me – though it wasn’t for a lack of trying – but I wasn’t going to let it pull me down any longer. I’d done that too long. I’d played his game and let him continue to hurt me through memories, but this was my chance. This was my time to make things right.

As I stared at the cold mahogany wall in front of me, I wondered how a man could go so horribly wrong. I knew he was divorced and had lost his daughter in a car accident, but I didn't understand how that pain could lead him to take other women's lives. Maybe in his mind he had been trying to kill to get his daughter back. But what kind of twisted logic was that? It didn’t make any sense to me, but then again nothing seemed to make much sense anymore.

I just knew that I wanted this to be over with.

Once Mariel started asking questions, my mind seemed to shift back to reality and away from my thoughts. She started off with simple questions about what I had been doing earlier in the evening, but once we started talking about what happened after I crawled into bed that night, I started to feel my resolve begin to crumble. Recounting every single thing that happened that night was so hard. Even though the memories were etched into my mind like a picture, saying them aloud for everyone to hear was enough for me to get choked up. I had to stop to collect myself and my thoughts a few times, but Mariel was there and she kept telling me to take my time. After she was finished questioning me, the defense lawyer started questioning me. It wasn't quite as hard as I thought it would be.

He really had nothing to discredit my testimony with, and I thought he looked almost sympathetic. It made me wonder if he knew that his client was really a monster. His questioning went quickly and merely consisted of questions about what kind of lighting there was in my room and how good of a look I had got at my attacker. I managed to sneak another look at Earl Hagley as his lawyer finished questioning me, and I thought I saw a hint of annoyance grace his face, which gave me a tiny feeling of satisfaction.

After they were finished questioning me, court was dismissed for the day because I was the only one testifying that day. I didn’t bother to look at Earl Hagley as we left the building. As far as I was concerned, I was done with him regardless of the outcome of the trial. He wasn’t going to get another second of my attention. I’d already spent far too much time thinking and worrying about him.

As we reached the car, everyone began to ask me if I was okay, and I was surprised to find that I really was okay. I had expected to feel upset after talking about it, but instead I felt as if I had a weight lifted off of my shoulders. Now that I had done what I came to do, I was finished with him. Even without the verdict, I felt like I was finished with that chapter of my life. I didn’t have to be afraid anymore. It seemed that Drea had been right about facing my fears.

After assuring them that I was fine, we decided to go out for lunch since we were all too tired to bother with cooking. We went to a local diner for lunch, and everyone was relatively quiet as we ate. It seemed as if everyone was at a loss for words. That was probably one of the main things I had been worried about all along – how would my family react when they heard exactly what had happened to me? They just seemed quiet, but that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. It gave me time to reflect on my day, and since I had faced Earl Hagley in court, I felt like I could finally just let out a huge sigh of relief.

Mariel had told me before leaving court that they would probably be wrapping up their closing arguments later in the week. Dad had told me that no matter what happened, I had done all I could to help with the case, and it was no longer in my hands. Before testifying, those words had meant very little to me, but after facing him – my attacker – and revealing him for what he really was – a monster – I really did feel like I had done all that I could.

After lunch we went back to the house, and I started packing my things. I didn’t really want to go back to the dorm because I was tired, but I knew I had to get back because I couldn’t afford to miss any more class. I had also decided that I was going to tell Shalee about the trial when I got there.

I was still a little nervous about telling her, but talking about it in court had relieved so much stress. However, I knew that waiting for the verdict would probably be stressful as well. As much as I told myself that I had done my part to help, the idea that Earl Hagley could still get away with it was rather unnerving, but if Shalee knew about what I was going through, then maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. Drea had offered to go with me back to the dorms and stay with me while I told Shalee, but I told her that it was something I needed to do on my own, so I said my goodbyes to my family and headed back to Tulsa.

When I reached the dorm, I heaved my heavy bags into the building and took the elevator up. When I reached my door, I pushed it open and found Shalee sitting on her bed reading a book. She glanced up at me and I smiled at her, preparing to say hello, but she glared at me and jumped off of her bed.

“You lied to me!” she exclaimed.

“Excuse me?” I replied as I sat my bags on the floor and looked at her in confusion.

“You lied to me!” she repeated.

“What did I lie to you about?” I asked, shaking my head in confusion.

“You said that you and Zac didn’t kiss on New Years,” she said. “But I know you did.”

“How?” I asked numbly. I could fell all of the blood draining from my face, and my heart felt like it was beating a mile a minute.

“Zac told me,” Shalee spat. “He told me all about the two of you sneaking around. For a freaking month!”

I blinked a few times as I tried to figure out how to even respond. I couldn’t believe that Zac had told her. I never thought that he’d tell anyone about the two of us, and what was worse was that Shalee appeared to be rather angry with me.

“I thought we were friends, Jude!” she exclaimed.

“We are friends,” I replied.

“Some friend you are,” she spat. “You keep everything a secret. I don’t know jack about you. What kind of friendship is that?”

“Shalee, I’m sorry,” I began.

“I don’t want to hear it,” Shalee replied, shaking her head.

“But you don’t understand, Shal,” I began. “There was some stuff going on that I had to figure out …”

“Don't bury me in all your problems, Jude. I don’t want to hear it,” Shalee said, crossing her arms across her chest. “I gave you so many chances to open up to me, but you never did. Now I find out that you were sneaking around with my best friend and didn’t even bother to tell me.”

“I’m sorry …” I began.

Shalee rolled her eyes and shook her head. “So am I. I thought we were friends, but I guess I was wrong,” she said as she grabbed her coat.

“Where are you going?” I asked.

“I have plans with Andy,” she snapped.

She left without another word, and I sat down on my bed with a sigh as I blinked back tears. I couldn’t blame Shalee for feeling the way she did. She was right about everything she said. She had given me so many chances to tell her what was going on in my life, but I never opened up.

Instead, I kept my problems to myself and just wound up pushing her away. She had always been so upfront with me, and I wished that I had been the same way with her. It wasn’t fair. Friendship was a two-way street, and Shalee had been the only one really giving throughout most of our friendship.

I couldn’t believe that Zac had told her about us though. I had planned it out on my way to the dorms that I was going to tell Shalee about Earl Hagley and the trial, and then I was going to tell her about Zac and I. I had no idea what Zac had told her, but from her behavior, I ventured to guess that he had told her about how I had acted the last time I saw him. I wasn’t quite sure if it was just the fact that I hadn’t told her about Zac and I or if it was the idea of the two of us together. I decided it probably didn’t matter though.

I really didn’t know what to do next. I hated having Shalee angry with me, but I decided that maybe it was best for me to just let her calm down before I tried talking to her. I had already had a long day, and the only thing I really wanted was a good night’s sleep, so I unpacked my things, took a sleeping pill, and crawled into bed.

The next morning Shalee was already up when my alarm clock went off. She was pulling on her shoes and heading out the door as I got out of bed. She didn’t even speak to me, and I knew that she was really upset with me. We didn’t sit near each other during class, and that felt like a slap in the face because we had sat beside each other all semester.

After class, I went back to the dorm and called Drea. I told her about what had happened with Shalee, and Drea offered to come and give Shalee a swift kick in the ass, but I told her that it wasn’t necessary. I didn’t figure Drea was in the position to be kicking any ass considering she looked like she was going to explode any minute. Besides that I couldn’t expect people to just accept my unwillingness to open up to them. It really wasn’t fair to Shalee or anyone else, so if she wanted to be angry with me for keeping her at bay for so long, then I decided I should let her.

The next few days around the dorm were tense. I tried to stay out of Shalee’s way as much as possible, but that really wasn’t that hard since she was gone most of the time. Drea and I talked on the phone a lot though. We had so many things to catch up, and while that was the main focus of our conversation, she kept telling me that I needed to talk to Zac.

With Shalee now ignoring me, I wasn’t feeling up to facing Zac. I wasn’t sure I was up for any more rejection. I had been so horrible to Zac that I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe he had done what I said and gone back to Kate. While he and she often fought, at least she didn’t deny loving him. After talking with Drea, I had done a lot of thinking and I realized that it was quite possible that I did, in fact, love him, but at the moment patching things up with Shalee seemed more important to me. She was my friend, first and foremost, and I wanted to clear the air with her, and of course get her consent before pursuing things with Zac. After all, I didn’t want her to end up hating me like she did Kate.

It wasn’t until Friday that Shalee spoke to me again. I had plans to go home for the weekend, but I wanted to finish reading a book for one of my classes before I left because I didn’t think I’d do it while I was home. I was seated on my bed reading my book when Shalee walked into the room. Since she was ignoring me, it had become easier to act as if I didn’t notice, so I continued reading until she walked over to my bed and held up a newspaper.

“Is this you they’re talking about?” she asked, her voice just above a whisper.

I looked up at her and saw the sullen look on her face before I looked at the newspaper in her hands. I took it and scanned the article with the headline “TU Student Key Witness in Hagley Trial.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat as I read the article. “Judith A. Ryland of Roland, Oklahoma took the stand on the seventh of March as the key witness in the Earl Hagley trial. Until now her name was unknown, but she was Hagley’s alleged seventh and final victim. After being raped and brutally stabbed in her home, she was found by a family member …”

I took a ragged breath as I felt my heart begin to speed up. I shook my head in disbelief, trying to figure out how in the world they could have published my name in the newspaper. I had been reassured a number of times that my name would never be released to the public. I felt tears sting my eyes as I looked up at Shalee, who looked shaken and concerned, and all I could do was nod as tears slipped from my eyes.

“Oh, Jude,” she cried, swooping down and wrapping her arms around me. “I had no idea … I was so horrible to you … I’m so sorry …”

I couldn’t reply for a few minutes because I was still too shocked to respond, but once I regained my composure, I shook my head. “It’s okay, Shalee,” I said. “You had every right to be upset. I should have told you about this months ago … I was going to tell you on Tuesday, but you were so upset, I just thought I’d wait.”

Shalee sighed and shook her head. “I was being so stupid,” she replied. “I don’t know why I was so upset about you and Zac. I mean, you got rid of Kate for me,” she said with a half smile.

I rolled my eyes and gave her a small smile. “You were upset because I wasn’t being open with you like you were with me. I understand,” I said.

“But it all makes so much more sense now … I mean, why you don’t let people in,” she said. “I feel terrible for being so selfish. Are you okay? I mean, after testifying and waiting for the verdict …”

“I’m fine,” I replied. “A little confused as to why my name is in the paper, but I’m okay,” I assured her.

“They weren’t supposed to release your name?” she asked.

I shook my head and sighed. “I guess I’ll … just ask my dad when I get home tonight,” I shrugged.

“You’re going home this weekend?” she asked.

“Yeah,” I nodded. “Drea and I are speaking again and … I just feel like being home.”

“That’s understandable,” Shalee nodded.

I picked at my comforter for a moment and took a deep breath before I looked back up at Shalee, who was watching me quietly. “Do you want to come home with me this weekend?” I asked. I wasn’t sure what made me ask, but it felt like the right thing to do. Shalee was my friend, and she had let me into her life and introduced me to her friends and family. It only seemed fair that I let her into my life as well.

“Are you sure that’s a good idea? Don’t you and Drea have stuff to catch up on?” she asked.

I shrugged. “She’s my friend. You’re my friend. I want to be with my friends,” I replied.

“Are you sure your parents won’t mind though?” she asked.

“They won’t care,” I replied

Shalee smiled softly and nodded. “Of course I’ll come,” she replied.

“Great,” I smiled.